Light Shed On Nuclear Capabilites

Funny story written by jakl891

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

image for Light Shed On Nuclear Capabilites
Fat Man: America's Secret Weapon?

Brussels (Roast Dinner) - At the grand summit of the Society To Understand Potentially Ingenious, Dangerous, Catastrophic Uraniuam Nuclear Tests (STUPIDCUNTS) the worlds greatest scientists and world leaders finally met to give away all their secrets, to prevent any more need for accusations, and to ensure that if (or when) nuclear war is fought, it's all, in the words of one of the leaders "evenly stevenly fairy wairy"(George Bush)

Leaders sat at a round table, and the speaking salt was passed around and leaders disclosed their secrets.

Britain was first up, with Gordon "I'm Gordon Brown, Bitch" Brown disclosing the fact that most of it's nuclear weapons were built in China, or made by Polish immigrants.

France was second, saying that all the tests performed in the French Polynesia were the extent of their nuclear armoury, as they never fight a war and run away at the first chance possible. They also claimed that the only rocket they had send thousands of white flags into the air. Finally, they apologised to the USA for the "Godzilla incident" and promised to replace the tuna stocks.

Germany got up third, and claimed that they had no nuclear weapons, due to the fact that no one trusted them any more after "ze second vorld var". Although the look on the German chancellors face was deadly serious, the comment generated much laughter, and Gordon "I'm Gordon Brown Bitch" Brown led the chanting of "Two World Wars And One World Cup".

Portugal said it's main two secret weapons are the Ronaldo bomb and the Mcann Bomb. Both bombs work similarly, the former being an appeal to authority that stuns everyone and results in teams getting knocked out of the world cup, and the latter which results in people being stunned, outraged, and then laughing at what was silly claim designed to cover up inadequacy. Both bombs are said to be fairly effective.

Vladimir Putin of Russia said they had never heard of a nuclear programme, and that he was an ex-KGB, so if anyone wanted some, "he'd 'ave ya".

The Chinese claimed that their single party democracy was perfectly legal, and that no amount of persuasion could change the situation. When reminded by the French prime minister that this was a summit about nuclear arms, the Chinese leader kung-fooeed him and left.

The USA, under George "Dubya" Bush, claimed that they were still number one, and that if they ran out of nuclear weapons, their Plan B would be to fire seven or eight extremly obese people at countries causing the countries to cave in and then fling back out again at high speeds, like a trampoline. This would cause all the people in that country to be flung out into space.
This claim caused some alarm in the Middle Eastern section of the table, which was quickly dispelled when they were reminded that oil could be flung into space too, and the Americans didn't want that.

Canada stood up next, but was told to sit in the bitch seat by the US, which caused much laughter.

Australia's nuclear plan seemed to be non-existent, but if pressure in a full scale war they claimed they would give back all the convicts that had been sent there, causing anarchy in Britain mainly.

Japan claimed it was building a fleet of nuclear capable robots, but everyone laughed as the shiteness of Robo Sapien was remembered.

Iran said their programme was in it's infancy, and that they had considered hiring real scientists to try and build a bomb.

The meeting ended soon after this, and everyone got drunk.

Tommorow: The Drunken Antics Of The World Leaders.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!





Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Subscribe…
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more