US Denies Aristede Kidnap Claim

Funny story written by Chuck Terzella

Tuesday, 2 March 2004

Deposed Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide has alleged that he was kidnapped and forced to leave his country against his will by United States forces. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, wearing a black ski mask and carrying a roll of duct tape was quoted as saying, "That's just ridiculous. The United States would never resort to that kind of violence. Boy, for a former Priest that guy can pack a punch. He chipped a cap, damn him."

Secretary of State Colin Powell said, "The allegations that we somehow kidnapped former President Aristide are baseless, absurd. Just because we snuck into his bedroom in the middle of the night, hog tied and gagged him, them threw him into the trunk of a car and tossed him on a plane the guy calls it kidnapping. That's just nuts. He's lucky we didn't throw him out over the ocean."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld also denied Mr. Aristide's claims adding, "If Haiti wants Mr. Aristide to return we'll be happy to oblige. All's we want is $150,000 dollars in small unmarked bills to be deposited in the Bush 04 Offshore Account and make sure it's American money, not that worthless Haitian crap."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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