Ireland to leave European Union

Written by Fergus McCarthy

Monday, 2 July 2007

image for Ireland to leave European Union
Dublin's 1st Lady, Connie Ahern.

The European Parliament in Brussels was in uproar this afternoon after Ireland's Prime Minister Bertie Ahern announced to a hastily convened meeting of EU Heads of State that Ireland would no longer be a member state nor would they continue using the Euro as the nation's currency.

Amid howls of protest and screams of derision a clearly shaken Mr Ahern thanked the member states for all the subsidies Ireland had received when unemployment was at an all time high and people could still afford to buy a home.

"But times have changed" Mr Ahern said. "Ireland is now an extremely wealthy country, we now find ourselves in the unfortunate position of having to actually put money in to help subsidise newer, poorer EU members. As one of the smallest nations in Europe we feel that too much is expected from us.

"Huge, vast oil reserves have been discovered off our coast and much of the revenue would have been poured into Brussels to prop up Eastern European states."

Mr Ahern ducked at one point to avoid an object apparently thrown by the Polish President who screeched "Spier Dalag" at the Irish PM.

"Bollocks to you too ya muppet, I bleedin know what dat means ya feckin Communist!!!" Mr Ahern continued "Right, Dis is DDDDDDe way it is, we'r'e going in with de Yanks, Dere will be nukes stationed in Mayo and 4 stealth bomber squadrons and 300 F-18 Fighter jets at Shannon Airport along with 5 Destroyers and 4 Aircraft carriers patrolling the coast at all times.

"Chuck another feckin pen in my direction again an I'll have ya bleedin nuked!!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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