EU to Admit Linux

Funny story written by Oliver Heaviside

Tuesday, 22 May 2007

image for EU to Admit Linux

Brussels, Belgium - In a surprise move today, the EU Council of Ministers announced it was approving the admission of Linux to the EU, with full voting status. This marks the first time the EU has admitting a non-nation-state entity to its ranks.

"The traditional concept of the territorial nation state is obsolete." said Jean-Pierre Bourchard de Groot, Minister for IT Acquisitions. "For too long we have clung to the idea that community is defined by geography, but let's face it, who even knows his neighbors anymore? One's friends are all online. The EU should admit new communities based on their online status, not geographic location."

Ministry spokespersons claimed that Linux is a truly European Community, having been created primarily in Europe and by Europeans. Its widespread deployment is said to reflect the power and influence the EU seeks in world affairs. Thus, the acquisition expand the EU not only in terms of population, but information. Ministers claim that the EU now owns 55% of the world's data, namely all that stored in open-source databases.

"It's a bold move" said Dr Ima Semarté, a foreign policy specialist at the Barkings Institution. "With one move they've expanded globally, but more importantly, have asserted first claim to cyberspace. This is a milestone as important as Christopher Columbus claiming the New World."

Speaking on condition of anonymity, ministers were frank about the reasons for the surprising move. "The EU constitution is dead." said one, "and there is no way member states are going to support further eastward expansion. We're up to our armpits in Polish plumbers as it is. So this is the only way to grow. Grab Linux. It's ours, now."

Linux is installed on over 200 million machines worldwide, according to IDC. Revenue growth is forecasted to be above 20% CAGR for at least the next five years.

But not everyone agrees with the EU's move. UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon praised the bold nature of the move, but expressed concern over possible implications for the UN. "If we are to begin admitting so-called 'free' software, I am concerned that the UN may not have the sources of money its officials have come to rely on." Ki-Moon denied rumours that Microsoft had already applied for permanent membership on the UN Security Council. "They have enough veto power as it is," he said.

Asked at a press conference about the EU's move, US President George W. Bush said, "EU? What's that?"

Linus Torvalds could not be reached for comment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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