CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington, D.C. - President George W. Bush made a televised announcement today about Jimmy Carter calling him and his administration the worst in history. The president announced his displeasure at the accusations.
"I am hurt and upset that Mr. Carter would imply that I haven't been 100% truthful with the Americun public. How can he, a peanut farmer, understand whut grate accomplushmants are adminustrashun has achieved?
"We've pushed the phony War on Drugs while gettin' more cocaine on the streets, found new ways of distributin' it as crack, scared the Americun public into givin' up there freedum, all but wiped out the Constitushun, killed thousends of poor kids in are War for Oil in Irak, given corperashuns an' rich folks thousends of tax brakes, an' dekreaset ejumacashun to the level that ALL Americuns will hafta werk for miniminum wage.
"Frankly, I'm impaled at Mr. Carters implimuhcations that we ain't the bestest adminustrashun ever to rule over thuh little peeple. Wez thuh best Nazi Republicans money kin buy. It's ovious that this Carter guy is some kinda terrurest."
Having made the speech on national television, President Bush returned to the Oval Office, as soon as someone showed him where it was, and signed orders to have former president Carter named an unlawful enemy combatant, revoked his passport, and have him detained and tortured indefinitely, without representation, at Guantanamo Bay.