London, England, Rotters news. Due to the recent surge in gun and knife crime in and around schools, a UK firm is set to release a complete wardrobe of body armour, combat gear for use at school.
Their first item off the production line is the bullet proof school tie. Available in all the usual horrible school colours but with the added bonus of your body being protected by a two inch strip of Kevlar based material. Capable of stopping a full grown rhino being fired from a high calibre canon at point blank range, into the middle of your chest, just so long as it hits the tie, that is.
Plans are also being drawn up for a stab proof gym vest, projectile proof spakker glasses for the nerds and slash proof hoodies for the cool kids.
Plans for gym plimsolls with a hidden retractable blade in the toe are also on the drawing board.
A representative of the manufacturers stated that "we are hoping to eradicate all violence in schools with this range of gladiatorial second skins, once the kids learn that everyone is impervious to such attacks, they will all give up fighting and get back to learning… we hope"