Vlad Putin is a little scared. A little. Now the World Court wants his ass, so he’s wondering: Where Can I Go?
South Africa has said it will not arrest Putin should he step on their shores. Man, apartheid can really fuck up a country, can’t it? Make them crazy. Can’t see fascism no matter where it may be … what do we call this? Rose-tinted glasses, needing to see the good in everyone, even a Russian Hitler? South Africa got rid of the Boers, didn’t they?
Anyway, Putin has been busy – not sending his doubles to “visit” Ukraine to see how terribly the war is going – instead, he’s on the phone.
I tried calling. Busy signal all night long, and into the next day. What’s Vlad doing talking on the goddamn phone like a teenage girl begging for a boyfriend? Get off the phone – someone’s trying to call! (Remember when there was no call waiting? If you didn’t answer, you didn’t have to talk to anyone … ah, the silence, the sweet silence …)
Anyway, this reporter found out from Vlad’s personal phone tapper that Putin has been cold-calling all his favorite countries, asking, “Are youse guys mad at me? If I, like, I dunno, showed up some day, would you, like, I dunno, arrest me or something?”
A lot of countries hung up on him. There’s that. But plenty of them said, “Fuck America and Western Europe – those fuckers haven’t done our country any good – we’re still paying them off from debts we incurred in the 1950s! So don’t worry, Vladdy you baddy, come for a visit and we’ll get a professional massage boy-toy to rub you down and give you a happy ending. How chilled do you like your champagne?”
There are a few countries Putin can still go to. A few. Enough for him to continue his life while the cancer eats away … you can’t put a killer in prison, after all, once God kills him.
PS: He calls Trump Every. Fucking. Day. Until one of them is in prison to tell the other is it really as scary as it is in movies?
