Washington DC - President Trump sang It's A Small World After All while rocking a sleeping Vladimir Putin in his lap, a practice that his staff says has become too frequent and too troubling.
"My staff, and even America, will never understand," said Trump quietly, so as not to startle little Pootie. "They think it's inappropriate, they think it's dangerous. Well it isn't. I mean, look at him!" Trump lifted up Putin's sleeping head and worked his little friend's bottom lip up and down. "Hi. My name is Pootie Poo! Trumpy-Wumpy is my fwend! I would never huwt him. He tells me secrets in exchange for votes! He -- Oops. Ahem! Pretend I didn't say that last part."
"That's, that's what he would say if he were awake right now," Trump said, grinning.
Indeed, the Russian did wake up, sat up in Trump's lap, then climbed into his own chair and rubbed his pretty little eyes with his cute, little fists. Trump clapped his hands. "Well, look who decided to wake up! It's Pootie Poo Time!"
Turning his attention back to this reporter, Trump said, "He's been very sensitive lately. For example, he threw a fit the other day because I wouldn't give him our nuclear launch codes. The little stinker was on the ground, kicking and screaming. So I just said to hell with it - he'll forget the codes as soon as he gets his fruit snack anyway. So I gave him the codes. I made it into a song so it would be easier to remember, isn't that right, Pootie Poo? You won't forg-. . . Oh shit . . . wait . . . Yep, well. I guess I screwed that one up, too."
Trump says that another thing people don't seem to understand is that singing calmed Pootie down. "When his men are beating a guy with a water hose, Pootie begs me to sing Puttin' On the Ritz by Taco. But he says I hafta to sing it: Putin on the ritz. His last name, Isn't that silly! You're such a silly boy!" Trump poked Putin in the belly. "Gootchie-gootchie-gooooo!"
Putin giggled. "Wits,wits! Putin onda witz! Beat a guy with whips! Swollen, bloody lips! Kill them with -"
Trump put a hand over Putin's mouth, and one on Putin's head and rocked the Russian ever so gently. "Now, now. Calm. Easy. Shhhhhhhh. Remember. The best kept secret is one that only one person knows. There are two of us now. Think about that, Pootie Poo. Now I will sing. I believe the children are our futuuure! Teach tem well and let them lead the waaay . . ."