International Institution Provides Warning About 'Stress' And 'Depression' During The Holiday Season

Written by Wesley Janson

Friday, 14 December 2018


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As 2018 slowly comes to an end amidst the holiday season, the International Institution of Professional Results Derived from Qualitative Research in the Subjects of Happiness, Positivity, Warm Feelings, and Euphoric Bliss (IIPRDQRSHPWFEB), has issued a reminder that the stress experienced by many during this 'extremely busy' time of year can often lead to horrible, soul-crushing depression as well as bizarre behavior.

With both 'work' and 'family-related' pressure at their absolute peak in the month of December, many individuals inevitably sink into a foul mood as they desperately try to 'stay on top' of everything.

Lead IIPRDQRSHPWFEB researcher and spokesperson, Dr. Robert Vagina, provided a list of signs and symptoms that people often display when they simply "can't take it anymore" and "could give less than a 'snapped-in-half,' floating, greenish-brown shit about the fucking goddamn holiday season and all of the hopeless bullshit that comes with it."

According to Mr. Vagina, the signs and symptoms of holiday-induced depression may include: feeling trapped and helpless; low mood; sadness; agitation; irritability; unpredictable outbursts of rage; loss of interest in activities that normally provide pleasure and a sense of accomplishment (such as masturbation); social withdrawal; a sense of humiliation; increased use of drugs and alcohol; unbearable emotional pain; and complete despair.

If unchecked or untreated, holiday tension and stress can sometimes lead to desperate and bizarre behavior such as: shoving candy canes into your penis hole while drinking Everclear; pretending it's the 4th of July and placing lit firecrackers in your anus before they explode and fly across the living room; sledding downhill toward a busy highway on a frying pan that your aunt gave you last Christmas; drinking eggnog with a urinary catheter; talking to yourself; crying intensely; and attempting to escape the realities of adulthood by resorting to childish behavior while laughing hideously about immature things such as poop, snot, boogers, dildos, inverted nipples, and butt fucking.

Assistant IIPRDQRSHPWFEB researcher, Mr. Constant Stool, further added that if individuals can properly manage their stress levels, then the holiday season can be both 'survived' and 'enjoyed' in a subtle, decent, and mature fashion.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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