Written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 12 November 2018

image for Witnesses Sought After Ruler Snaps
A distance measurer

A man is appealing for witnesses after an antique ruler was snapped in half at the weekend.

The striking 30cm yellow, plastic ruler was emblazoned with the words 'Hull Colour Pages', and was in regular use.

Myke Woodson, 55, stole the ruler along with a shitload of other stuff, when he and 80 other workers were made redundant from a telecommunications company in Hull, in 2005. Since then, it has traveled with him to exotic locations such as Thailand, and then Cambodia, where it was snapped yesterday.

The Englishman was crestfallen. He said:

"Something like this is hard to take. It was like an old friend. I'll just have to move on, rule that part of my life off, and draw a line under it."

Woodson's wife said:

"It's a measure of the flexible nature of the man that he didn't snap himself."

Nobody has yet owned up to the damage, but Woodson suspects one of his children, who, he said:

"have absolutely no respect for rules."


Anybody with any information in relation to this incident is asked to contact Ken W. O'Sodomy at TheSpoof.com, quoting the code: 1n519n1f1cant

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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