"The Boss" breaks his own record

Funny story written by thomas o'hanlon

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

image for "The Boss" breaks his own record
Bruce fan enjoying record breaking performance

Last night at the Meadowlands, Bruce Springsteen shattered his own record by going on a 47-minute monologue segueing beautifully between a somber ATLANTIC CITY and a raucous Rosalita.

The crowd used this time to use the bathroom, text their children, and nap while others swayed rhythmically while humming "we shall overcome".

"In the hot chaotic summer of 1964 my Daddy told me that life was dormant unto most" he began "yet it was the intrinsic value of Old man Jenkins death that brought out the taste in paprika that hot crazy night."

He paused occasionally and chuckled as the crowd responded in kind.

"There was a pond, a swimming hole back beyond the tracks deep in Mosquito woods. I would bring Mary there and we would play Patty cake until the sun rose up above the marshy creek."

Half way through the rant, his wife Patty and Little Stevie slowly approached Bruce sensing that maybe Bruce was suffering from heat stroke that caused his brain to lock but he shunned them away as the crowd roared, sensing history was in the making.

As he approached his old 23-minute record rant of 2003 in Wembly the crowd began whispering "Buuuuuuuuuuce" "Bruuuuuuuuuuuce" which seemed to energize the legend.

"In the attic of my old house where I grew up I found a nook in the corner where the chimney met the sloping roof and there I found a bag of old shoes" he continued "I had an old Sting Ray bike named Hector which I used to ride to the factory where I watched through the windows as big iron pistons pounded out sweat and sins. My granddaddy wore a hat. At the corner deli, Mr. Smith would hand out donuts and tell us not to swim in the poisonous lake. Way before sun up and way after dark was the magic moment when the crickets shouted their song of freedom."

He struggled on, at one point almost losing his balance "ten times twelve is my favorite number, my momma would make cake out of sorry little birds and pop tarts, I replaced the wheels of a 1959 Thunderbird with porcupines, my neighbors were Italian and ate spaghetti every Sunday night while the frogs croaked and the wind blew soft salt air from the nearby Atlantic telling us all that summer was over."

Smashing through the record, the crowd cheered wildly not hearing the rest of the words but not caring for they knew they were part of something great.

He finally finished with "It was the round pebbles that wouldn't skip that gathered by the shore and watched forlornly as the Seagulls alerted the trees and sounded the alarm of fire that burns so deep within the soul of the undying cat."

Finally, at forty-seven minutes and twelve seconds he shouted "ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR" and the band joined in as the crowd all sang "ROSALITA".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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