Processed meat causes cancer! We were so shocked when we read (skimmed it and looked for pictures) the report, through a haze of Shisha smoke, we were outraged. We quickly like two cigarettes each to calm our nerves and called up the most sciency scientist we knew. Dr. S. Cience was quick to answer our call (which was made standing next to a pylon) and he immediately berated us for waking him in the middle of the night. We apologised and informed him since we'd stopped sleeping completely time was a little difficult to grasp. But being a Dr who has worked not only in hospitals but also in back alleys we knew he'd be able to answer all our questions
So what's all this bullshit about bacon?
We said as we swallowed a whole pepperoni wrapped in cheese.
It's processed meat not just bacon. It's all been classified by the WHO-
The Who? But what does Pete Townshend know about the health properties of processed meat?
You could hear the subdued banging of a head into a wall. Many of our sciency friends did this, must be something to do with a higher intellect.
Not "The Who" but the World Health Organisation. They have decided that processed meats contain enough carcinogenic-
Carcinogenic? Didn't he play left back for AC Milan?
Shut your stupid ass mouth for five seconds! Carcinogenic, cancer causing, tumour making nasty shit!
We pondered for a moment while we chewed thoughtfully on a sprig of asbestos
So how can we put this information to use? How can we help the great British population to learn from this and keep them safe? We need answers!
Don't overreact and carry on as normal everything done in moderation is OK. Having a bacon sandwich as part a balanced diet and healthy lifestyle will be absolutely fine. Just don't have one everyday-
You cant tell us what to eat that's fascism
You rang me! Anyway who even has a bacon sandwich everyday?
Well maybe he can share one with Hunt as well!
He slammed the phone down. Guessing he didn't like Jeremy Cunts reforms on the NHS either.
(We understand that this report came out some days ago but you try getting a internet signal from a Turkish prison)