Tony Abbott announces cuts to parents with overweight children

Funny story written by Leah Potter

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

image for Tony Abbott announces cuts to parents with overweight children

Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott today launched a radical budget initiative on the back of the resounding support for the Liberal Party's decision to cut Centrelink payments to parents who choose not to vaccinate their children.

The new budget measures cut off all tax-payer funded financial benefits to any parent or child-guardian who allows their child become overweight unless they have medical or religious reasons.

These cuts will later extend to all benefits and pensions paid to any Australian who isn't within a healthy weight range as scientific proof shows the lifestyle choice to eat too many calories for your metabolism to burn creates medical costs to the community down the track but for now the policy is limited only to overweight children.

The Liberals found that despite the popularity of their "recently introduced policy" (Kevin Rudd announces anti-vax policy) of cutting child care benefits and FTB-A payments to anti-vaxxers, it brought little financial benefit to Australia. 97% of all centrelink recipients already immunise their children.

The more affluent and educated areas where rates of objection are higher and parents drop the equivalent of an entire year's worth of FTBA on a dinner party weren't swayed by the new budget measures to change their opinions on immunisation.

Enter a much more lucrative exercise in control by the Liberals.

From May 1st, the NO DIET, NO PLAY, NO PAY initiative will be implemented and all overweight children will be struck from centrelink benefits and banned from attending child care centres or school until they are within a healthy weight range.

With obesity rates highest amongst the lower socio-economic groups this is a bold plan to get those leaners in this country off their amble butts and off to buy Pete Evans' paleo cookbook with what's left of their last centrelink payment.

"Look, the science is there" (said the leader of the party who came into government without a science minister.)"All the facts and the statistics show that if your son or daughter is overweight as a child then they will struggle with obesity as an adult. This creates dreadful health problems for the individual and expensive medical bills for Medicare that the unwashed entitled out there should not expect the tax payer to cover."

Our government policy is drawn using the latest scientific findings (not including climate policy).

If parents won't do what we tell them to do then we will force them. We will force parents to cut calories and vaccinate their children because it's the opinion of the Australian government that medical immunisation and a low calorie diet are the best for your child. (We also thoroughly supported the government policy of spraying cancer-causing DDT on schoolchildren during the 50's to fight hair and body lice. We will not be revealing any statistics relating to auto-immune disorders, lung and blood cancers or any other side effects from that little "for the greater good" government initiative because this time we REALLY DO believe it's for the greater good)

The Prime Minister went on to say that the new measures will lead to a triple win for Australia with massive savings expected when parents of overweight children lose their FTB payments, teachers jobs can be slashed thanks to anticipated drastic reductions in school attendance and Australia will save many billions down the road not having to treat obesity-related diseases such as diabetes and scrotum chafe.

Mr Abbott said the new measures were fair. Irresponsible parents who refuse to put their child on a diet deserved to have government benefits stripped from them until they do what they're told to do with their children's health. If they can't look at the facts out there and choose what the Australian Government tell them to choose then they cannot expect anything from the public purse.

FTB payments will be fully restored once their child reaches and maintains a healthy weight range for at least 12 months. However, funds will not be backpaid for the time the child spent overweight. All children will be weighed weekly at their local school or child care centre and benefits will be cut immediately should they gain back any weight.

Kath Mundie, spokeswoman for the Ferntree Gully Mothers Group said she, for one, applauded the new policy.

"The girls and I are all totally sick of these fatties oozing their grossness all over our children at the child care centre. They're putting my child Parris (with two Rs) at risk, not only from potential suffocation if one of those heifers sits on my child, but also, our children are learning bad eating habits when they see others scoffing down cream buns at recess. If parents can't have more control over their children's eating then they really shouldn't be sending them to childcare or to school and exposing other children to risk."

Tony Abbott warned the Liberal Party would not be stopping their rampage against the average Aussie. He announced new legislation being put forward next week proposing that anyone who chooses to smoke would be denied access to Medicare for smoking-related illness including lung cancer, emphasemia and even tooth and gum problems related to nicotine use. Some of these new measures extended to anyone who chooses live in a highly polluted area which could lead to lung problems.

Kidney stone treatment would be denied to those who choose to consume more than one energy drink per day against the recommendation clearly stated on the packaging.

Sportspeople and adventurers would also be considered to be undeserving of tax payer subsidised medical attention should they injure themselves.

"It all comes back down to science and statistics" said the Minister for Women. "Research shows that people who play competitive sport are more likely to need medical attention due to injury and it's simply not fair for the rest of Australia to have to fund the lifestyle choices of these sports nuts."

Australia will no longer be funding anything our government doesn't agree with.

On the topic of vaccination Mr Abbott said while he could not support a parent who had done their own research and come to an educated decision not to immunise their kids, he was, however, happy to allow them to refuse vaccination if they had a particular imaginary friend in the sky who denied you entry to an imaginary paradise after death if you immunise your kids, that was a fine and dandy reason not to vaccinate and if that same imaginary deity demanded your kids be porky then you get a religious exemption from the new obese kids legislation too.

Joe Hockey claimed "By hook or by crook we are going to find a way to penalise every Australian before we finish this term in Government"

"Except Gina Rinehart of course"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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