Gibraltar - A police investigation into the Hellfire Club has uncovered filthy dirty stuff about royal tosspots - mostly stalwarts of the British Conservative Party - an FBI report said today.
And top of the list is Lord Smarmington KG GCMG CH MC PC DL AND KGB you bastard, Grand Prior of the Ordure of Mammon.
Next is his second-in-command Field Marshal The Lord Arsehole KG GCB OBE MC JP, recently probed about a government cover-up into disgusting cover-ups and other sordid grime.
Then there's Lord Aldi of Scunthorpe Bus Garage and Lord Loose-Cannon of Semtex Park - a rotten pair of conniving, lying, Putin-fellating scumbags who charge five grand an hour to lie under oath.
And moth besides.
Eh, make that more!
Tonight these supects and their evil co-conspirators are under intensive surveillance at the annual Hellfire Club Easter Concert at the Royal Albert Hole in London's Hyde Park.
Igor Stravinsky's The Fright of Spring is being performed by the Hellfire Philharmonia, conducted by Sir Simon Rattel-Snake KGB & Bar.
Expect pandemonium later in the Upper Circle's Crush Bar.