Santiago, Chile - (Associated Mess): 91 today! As he basks in the afterglow of receiving the Riggs Bank-sponsored Hellfire Club Lifetime Achievement Award for crappy old dictators General Augusto Pinochet is still under house arrest tonight, surrounded by family, friends and his genocide legal defence team.
Swigging magnums of the Medelin '66 Cava Brut that Mrs Thatcher so thoughtfully sent him to wash down that limited-edition Itsu Sushi Bar Xmas hamper featuring an MI6 Sizewell B home-farmed dolphin delicacy novelty pack, the old Generalissimo remains stoical in the face of adversity.
Not even the recent news that Interpol found his Brinks-Mat bullion heist stash of gold ingots in a Riggs' safety deposit box at their Pyong Yang branch could dent the quiet confidence born of a lifetime of screwing over his enemies.
As he prepares to tuck into the oriental fishy feast news of spooky derring-do in London is heard in the background sound of a radio broadcast update on some luckless Russki turncoat who had clearly swallowed one conspiracy theory too many.
Disinformation! The very life and death of dictatorship depends on it...
