Rome - The big cheese in charge of guarding the Pope has been booted out of the Vatican for violating its strict regimental dress code.
Commander Guido Emmental's brightly colored Comb Moron - uh, Comb Morion! - a traditional helmet made from altar boys' hair failed the pixie hat test.
Emmental is being replaced by his deputy, Oberstleutnant 'Buffalo' Mozzarella, who will head the 500-year-old papal corpse and ensure strict complaince with sartorial matters.
News of the sacking comes amid reports that the Argentinian Pope Francis is livid following a leak about the existence of secret €800m ($700m) off-balance sheet Vatican deposits, outed in a PayPal - papal! - security leak.
Also out on his arse is Frankie-the-Argie's personal taxidermist who promised to embalm Vatican predecessor Pope Benedict 'while the going is still good'.
Sources close to the pontifical care home where Benny is living said today they'd been gradually replacing the blood in his veins with embalming fluid using an ancient Medieval technique perfected by the Borgias.
Unfortunately a 50 gallon drum of the spirit-based solvent vanished from the sanatorium during holy day of obligation fasting.
200 Swiss Guards were subsequently disciplied fo drunk and disorderly after a five day binge inside the Catacombs.