BRASILIA, BRAZIL - According to recent reports, the Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) has taken control of key cities in Brazil, toppled the Brazilian government, and changed the name of the South American country to "Gooooooooooooooal!"
This is the culmination of FIFA's strategy to undermine Brazil's sovereignty with World Cup fanaticism. In the years leading up to the invasion, FIFA forced Brazil to build expensive stadiums, displace hundreds of thousands of its citizens, and provide comprehensive tax breaks.
FIFA's stringent demands compelled Brazil to spend over $11 billion on World Cup preparations and forgo funding for education and medicine. In an effort to appease Budweiser, a key World Cup sponsor, FIFA also overturned Brazil's public safety law banning the sale of beer at football matches. These developments left a large portion of the population too sick, stupid, and drunk to oppose FIFA's invasion.
The invasion came as Brazilians were distracted by the 2014 World Cup football tournament. With millions of fans packed into stadiums and sports bars, many of the nation's important buildings were left empty and vulnerable. At the time of the invasion, Brazil's National Congress was reportedly staffed by a lone janitor watching the Brazil-Mexico match on a small television.
Sepp Blatter - the President of FIFA and Emperor of Gooooooooooooooal! - will organize the rest of his government via a round-robin group stage and a series of one-off knockout rounds. The Gooooooooooooooal! police force will consist of yellow-shirted officers armed with whistles, flags, and colored cards.
"We've had our eye on Brazil for quite some time now," said Blatter during a press conference. "The nation's ample natural resources and scantily clad women will serve us well as we prepare for Phase 2."
When asked about Phase 2, Blatter fell to the ground and clutched his leg in an apparent attempt to draw a foul.