Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, a Boeing 777 wide-body passenger plane with 239 people on board, which disappeared an hour after takeoff almost a week ago and has since been the focus of a massive international search, has finally been located. The missing jet was discovered playing X-Box in the basement of an Amish church in Pennsylvania.
The jet was found by a church parishioner who heard gunfire and went to deliver a message of peaceful resolution to conflict. Instead of a crazed member of PETA demanding release of the enslaved dairy cattle, the parishioner discovered the jet playing Halo 4 and, in the words of that same parishioner, "doing very well, for an English."
When asked about the disappearance, the jet stated "I just needed a little me time, all right? I mean, all day, every day, back and forth, back and forth, staring at the same boring ocean, having to endure the fat asses pressing down on my seats. Those double as flotation devices, by the way. Did you know that? Pulling double duty yet still smashed by big fat Asian butt cheeks day after day. Have you ever been forced to smell Kung Pao ass for hours on end? I don't think so."
The jet apologized to the 239 passengers, who had been forced to work the ground in preparation for spring planting. The jet also apologized to the incensed but otherwise relieved family members, who'd been, as described by one airline official, "going through sheer hell waiting on any word of their loved ones safety."
"Gimmee a break," stated the jet, "they knew exactly what they were getting into. Sure, airline travel is statistically the safest way to travel, but statistics can still kick you in the nuts and the passengers and their families accepted that fact."
Although it agreed to return to work, the jet demanded that the airline refer to it by its adopted Amish name - Steve. Said the jet "Yeah, I know, Steve isn't very Amish, not like Obadiah or Ezekiel, but I've always wanted to be a Steve and the Amish were down with that."
The X-Box itself was stripped of its electronic components, doused in holy water, and will be used to serve muffins.