Sochi, Black Sea - The RS Maria Sharapova, the Russian Navy flagship in charge of drone patrols around the Sochi Winter Games, has been involved in a series of underwater attacks by a massive pregnant squid during yesterday's slopestyle finals.
The Yeltsin-Class destroyer - Russia's first solar-powered battleship constructed from recycled Siberian sardine cans - was repeatedly rammed by the beastie during unusual atmospheric conditions linked to contrail pollution.
Its attempts to lay thousands of fertilized eggs in the Sharapova's torpedo hatches were eventually thwarted by Russian Marines using an underwater electronic stun gun according to Kremlin reports.
This morning a shocked President Putin demanded an immediate hunt-and-kill mission to destroy the creature amid fears another attack could seriously fuck up the pride of the Russian Navy's sonar, and other crucial stuff.
"Russia will never give in to this terror threat," Putin's PR machine commented.
The identity of whatever impregnated the giant cephalopod remains unknown.
