Written by queen mudder

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

image for Legendary Russian Navy captain tracks Unidentified Submersible Object lurking in the Bosphorus
Capt Ramius's reward for catching the terrist USO is said to be a glittering career in the movies

Sochi, Black Sea - President Vladimir Putin has appointed veteran Russian Navy submariner Marko Ramius, former captain of the Typhoon-class nuclear submarine Red October, to lead a hunt-and-destroy mission in the famous Strait connecting the Black Sea and Turkish waters.

The operation comes amid tight security ahead of Friday's Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony after a tip-off that the White Widow, a British home-grown terrorist allegedly behind a slew of attacks on East African civilian targets, had stolen and commandeered an armed submersible from a luxury ocean-going super yacht belonging to one of Russia's oligarchs.

Reports have named the vessel as Roman Abramovich's $400m ocean cruiser Eclipse, last seen limping home lopsided to port in Bloodyvostock after its sub had somehow fallen out of its secure moorings inside the yacht's cargo bay launch pad.

Ramius is at the helm of one of the Russian Navy's most sophisticated hunter-killer subs, the RS Stolly-Bolly, and will be reporting directly to President Putin himself in a four week mission to protect the Games.

Commenting on the veteran's appointment a NATO spokesperson said today that signals intelligence reports have suggested the White Widow is planning to blast Sochi with cloud-seeding silver nitrate particles to trigger a tropical storm across the $50bn Olympic site.

Sean Connery-lookalike Ramius, 69, has been told he will be rewarded with an amazing new career in the movies if he manages to pull of the Big One and bring the White Widow bomber to Justice.

Russian Prime Monster Dim Eatery Medvedev is still in rehab.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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