Doctors have admitted that Princess Diana is unlikely to recover from the injuries she sustained in 1997 as a result of a car crash in Paris. Medical expertise suggests that, even if she did make significant progress, she would still be unable to lead a normal life.
The crash, which killed all the other occupants of the car including Tupac, Bob Monkhouse and the little guy from 'Fantasy Island', was blamed on pursuing paparazzi photographers on mopeds. Diana was pronounced dead at the scene - a factor that many health experts believe may have inhibited Diana's capacity to recover. Also, her current location - doctors refer to it as 'in the ground' - may prove a further barrier to rehabilitation.
Dr Candle-in-the-Wind, a leading authority on traumatic body syndrome, suggested that Diana might be able to survive underground 'as a mole might do' but that, in the long run, she would be unable to participate as fully in society as she had done previously, especially with 'no head' to speak of.
On a lighter note, a kitten named after the People's Princess has been rescued from a drainpipe in Colchester. The cat, who answers to the name of Anorexic Bike, had been stuck up the pipe for three days but was rescued by the RSPCA. They expect it, unlike its namesake, to make a full recovery.