Pakistanis Envy Ronald McDonald's Feet

Written by Morgan Truce

Wednesday, 15 February 2006

image for Pakistanis Envy Ronald McDonald's Feet
"I got dibs on these...!"

LAHORE, PAKISTAN (AP) Swarms of angry Muslims destroyed a McDonald's fast food restaurant today. A crowd of youths focused their attention on a large pair of shoes worn by Ronald McDonald - the brightly colored clown figure known the world over. "I want to get those big red shoes," shouted 14-year-old Hafiz. "Just think of how I'll be able to really stomp on those burning flags with that pair of huge red shoes! Once Ronald McDonald's statue was knocked over, Hafiz had to struggle with several other boys from his school, but the determined Hafiz won out and walked away proudly with a pair of size 22 red clown shoes.

The young Muslims were playing hooky from their local madrassa - a school where ordinarily they would spend 14 hours a day studying anti-American slogans, various "Death to Israel" chants, and the finer techniques of flag stomping. A madrassa teacher who asked not to be identified accompanied the boys on the official school trip to McDonald's. "I'm really getting a little too old for all that screaming and demonstrating, but I like the chance to come to McDonald's and rip off a few McRib sandwiches - they're my favorite… right after the Sausage Biscuits. I was over at the KFC that we destroyed this morning, but all they had there was a bunch of greasy chicken. Now, yesterday was much better: we tore apart the Pizza Hut and I was able to carry off a whole carton of frozen pepperoni slices. You know… when you spend your whole life teaching people not to eat pork, you build up quite a crave for the stuff."

One quiet observer standing by the action at McDonalds was a well-dressed gentleman from the factory across the street. "My brother and I are two of the wealthiest businessmen in all of Lahore. He runs the Pakistani College of Motel Management and I run the Lahore Flag Company. My factory is working three shifts a day trying to keep up with the demand for flags from such countries as Israel, Denmark, and of course our best-seller: the United States. We have been very successful with our latest line of wax-impregnated flags - no need to pour gasoline on these babies: just light a match and they burn for at least a hour! If you'll excuse me now, I have to get down the street to pick up some coffee and danish pastry for the office staff."


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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