Written by John Butler

Thursday, 2 February 2006

image for KFC Introduce "Feed-Family-For-Year-Sized" Meal Deal
KFC's Feed-Family-For-Year-Sized bucket being fed to birds. What a nice blue sky.

KFC, the global fast food chain specialising in all things chicken, have announced a new "Feed-Family-For-Year" sized portion will be available from their outlets next month.

KFC chairman, Morgan Driscoll, licking his lips, said "the portion will consist of 800 pieces of succulent Chicken Breast, in the region of 65,000 French Fries and 15 Kegs of their soft drink of choice. Diabetics, for their beverages, can choose 75 litres of milk instead if they so desire. We at KFC cater for all".

In his saliva-drooling enthusiasm, Driscoll failed to mention the optional 200,000 sachets of ketchup, salt, vinegar and so forth (sugar perhaps). Not only that but two separate containers the size of a small lawnmowers come filled with mash potato both topped off with a gallon of cheap gravy. It really looks disgusting. Oh yes and a big churn of salad - that's thrown in too to keep vegetarians happy.

Driscoll explained, "The Feed-Famly-For-Year-Sized" meal, due to practical reasons, will be home delivered by our own courier trucks to the recipient family. It will arrive inside a specially-designed 15feet tall KFC bucket. Families will have the option of selecting either a ladder to get in and reach the food or a small flap at the bucket's base. We advise parents should supervise any small children wishing to acquire food from the bucket. Either way, the family members won't be going hungry for quite some time".

The meal will retail at $1020.95 and can be purchased online using Visa or Mastercard. Monetary experts, a few employed by KFC, are tipping the meal to save families up to $4000 a year in dining costs.

KFC are at pains however to warn that no refunds will be available to the family who, for whatever reason, do not wish to continue feeding from the bucket before it has been emptied.

Driscoll believes that will not be an issue. "Our chicken is so succulent that only the most uncultivated of tongues could resist. Where else can you get chicken of this quality at this price. Heaven that's where".

Despite Driscoll's triumphant bleatings, the plan has been met with some deal of criticism. Anti-exploitation groups argue that very few families will possess adequate storage devices to keep the meal's contents fresh and tasty.

"Most families interested in this deal will not consider the wider implications of acquiring a 15 feet bucket of food", says Haley Cox, lecturer in household food management at Winsconsin State University (WSU).

"There's an old saying that goes "too much chicken is very hard to store". I think it applies here. Families cannot freeze this chicken because it has already been frozen and defrosted. You could freeze the French fries but let's face it who wants to eat defrosted chips already cooked 11 or 12 months ago?"

"Our chicken is fine re-heated. Remember we at KFC don't just fry - we "Kentucky fry".

Cox added, "I really can't see how you could continue eating from a bucket that measures 15 feet in depth. It's crazy. It'd be almost like eating from a bucket 16 feet in depth or even 17 feet in depth. It's ludicrous".

Apart from preservation of solids, others point out that one would "have to own a pub in order to store 15 kegs".

Driscoll did his best to allay fears over the meal's continued edibility long after it has cooled down.

"Our chicken is fine re-heated. Remember we at KFC don't just fry - we "Kentucky fry". So just as long as you're sure to microwave the shit out of them before you eat, then I don't foresee a problem".

More criticism came from healthy living advocates who claim KFC's new deal will only serve to contribute to America's growing obesity and heart-attack problem.

"Why is there so little salad? asked Burt Bockorok, dietician and self-confessed "saladarian". Bockorok was too weak to continue his point. He needs to bulk up.

KFC insist the meal, despite the shortage of salad, will stay healthy and edible over a 12 month stretch.

Driscoll pointed out, "Homeless people pick our uneatan chicken out of bins and research has shown that this sustains them through the long winter months (research Driscoll co-funded). In most cases this chicken has long cooled down before the vagrant has laid his grubby hands on it".

The KFC "Feed-family-for-year-sized" meal is available from March 1st. Hungry families needn't fear though, as you can already place your order online. I know I have.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Food, Fast Food

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