New Delhi: In a startling development on Sunday night, close on the heels of this expose, it has now emerged that there has been a similar plot in India to inject testosterone into the politicians to make them more aggressive in tackling crucial issues like terrorism, inflation, corruption and the Indian cricket team's poor showing in England.
Uncovered by the News of the Weak, a cheesy tabloid that this reporter had once worked with, the conspiracy was hatched by a section of the 'Indian Citizens for Public Initiative and Development' (InCiPID), a non-governmental organization fighting against public apathy. This section, recently ousted for showing too much public initiative, apparently hit upon the idea of slipping male hormones to high-ranking ministers within the government while browsing on the internet. While the source still remains suspect, new facts have come into light corroborating the rumors of this conspiracy.
"We started this in early 2002," said Swami Thugnivesh, leader of the fringe group. "We were inspired by the spine shown by the US leader. If someone like Bush could blast Afghanistan back to the Bone Ages, why couldn't we have leaders who are similarly strong?" Frustrated by the lack of success in motivating the then government, the group reached out to others across the border.
According to Swami Thugnivesh, the Chinese were the first to respond. Records indicate that over half of the illegal aliens crossing over from mainland China participated in the preliminary testing phases. "Despite the marked anti-social sentiments as a side-effect, the experiments were a success," claimed Dr Arundhati Roy, whose work with the tablets earned her the sobriquet, The God of Small Pills (sic). "Their accuracy with small and automatic firearms multiplied two-fold, while their retention of Mao's teachings increased three times." Fueled by the results, Nepalis, Bhutanis, Sri Lankans and Russians also signed up for free samples in the north-easter swath of the country.
Equally credible reports suggest that the conspiracy was executed in as high an Indian office as the Prime Minister's Office (PMO) during the signing of the Nuclear Treaty. "It is now clear that Dr Singh would not have had the spine to pass this bill without an additional strength," says Dr Sigmund Freud Jr. "And I don't mean the moral strength given by she-who-must-not-be-blamed. To actually make a strong statement publicly is something Dr.Singh has never been known to do."
However, Dr.Freud admitted that he was puzzled by the lack of evidence in Dr.Singh since then. "He's never been that sure of himself before or afterwards, and that is uncharacteristic of the drugs he is being given. I am not sure, therefore, if he was, therefore, truly under the influence of drugs, therefore, during the passing of the bill. Therefore."
Swami Thugnivesh and his followers, however, buoyed by Dr.Singh's strong performance during the controversial bill, embarked on a nation-wide mission to inject national leaders with Anti-Indecisionus, a below-the-counter drug to cure indecisiveness through a combination of adrenalin, testosterone and spinal growth. Despite spending lakhs of rupees and coming to the brink of financial ruin, InCiPID cannot claim any victory on this front so far.
"Terrorists have such a poor challenge in this country they are almost ashamed to take advantage of our lax security," says the average Joe on the street. According to the average Jack, the only success of this government has been bringing down traffic snarls across the country. While government spokesperson and all-around PR pundit Thickvijay Singh claims it as a moral victory for the government against fundamentalist Hindu movements, it should be pointed out that the lighter traffic we see these days is due to the prohibitive cost of automotive gases.
Ms Jawani Sheela, CM-in-waiting for Delhi, also pointed out that the government had set enviable records in corruption. "For the last two years, every major leader has made his or her way to the country to find out how we get away with so much corruption. They just don't understand the concept of setting realistic expectations and then not fulfilling them. We are truly world leaders, led by She-who-must-not-be-blamed herself!"
When contacted, the PM himself had this to say. "You want to ask me questions? Why, may I know? I mean, only if you want to tell me, of course... of course, of course, I understand... but you see, I am Sita, Caesar's wife... above suspicion, definitely... yes, I am sure Caesar married her... well, not that sure, actually. Can you hold on while I verify it? Oh, someone should have taken credit for it..."
