Jackson Pollock Paintings Unearthed

Funny story written by Captain Dopey

Wednesday, 30 November 2005

image for Jackson Pollock Paintings Unearthed
Pollock pictured leaving rehab

A number of previously unseen paintings by pioneer Abstract Expressionist artist Jackson Pollock have been discovered in Canvasville, New York State. Pollock, considered to be one of the foremost exponents of ‘Action Painting' - purportedly labeled due to its association with heavy Epsom Salts abuse - had been thought not to have passed on any of his major works following his untimely death at the age of 44, in a combined automobile and enema-machine accident.
The paintings, said to mix Pollock's typically complex networks of swirling, interwoven lines of great delicacy and rhythmic subtlety with drawings of a football boot, have remained undiscovered until they were found in a second-hand store where they had been propping up a fish-tank.
Art historian Liddle Triffid, an authority on Pollock, said that the images corresponded to a period in the visual artist's life when "things weren't going too well. He'd just split from his wife, was drinking heavily and was convinced he was being pursued by moths. He was hanging out with Siqueiros, the Mexican Muralist, and Ho-Tsi-Lu, the Chinese Bum. His earlier paintings were characteristically vigorous, enigmatic and mysterious, but this lot just beats the s**t out of me. I mean, one of them just looks like a giraffe playing an accordion. What the hell is that?".
Another foremost enthusiast of Pollock's technique, art connoisseur Grosvenor H. Whorl tends to maintain a similar but perhaps less understated outlook: "They're crap".
It is thought that these paintings date from the 1940s when Pollock moved from a vivid Expressionist style towards a semi-abstract form, typified by his seminal design, 'Dentures On Pluto'. Later he entered his ‘enlargement' period, when he produced huge drawings on enormous canvasses, painted whilst wearing size 92 trousers.
Dr. Runciman Phony of UCLA, an outspoken critic of Pollock's methodology, is of the opinion that these findings epitomize Pollock's approach to his life as well as his art.
The paintings go on show tomorrow at The New York Gallery of Nebulous Contours.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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