Airport security is a part of traveling these days, from walking through X-Ray machines to being patted down. But an orangutan traveling from the Orangutan Rehab Center in Sumatra to his twentieth high school reunion in New Haven, Connecticut, says that the search he received went too far.
Gilbert Muhammed, who was looking forward to his reunion with his snooty prep school classmates who graduated in 1991, was nabbed by Home Security officials in Honolulu who felt that his facial features and abundant body hair fit the terrorist profile almost perfectly.
After undergoing an extremely thorough body search which Gilbert described using the phrase, "search raped" because a probing finger was inserted up and into his bunghole, Gilbert bolted. He led the TSA officials on a clusterf..k chase through the airport that ended only after he was shot in the butt with a tranquilizer dart, but not before he had bitten off the nose and two fingers of one of his captors.
Back home in New Haven, not since General Douglas MacArthur returned to Leyte island in the Philippines in 1944, fulfilling his famous promise, has there been more anticipation than Gilbert's return for his class reunion. Although he was the only orangutan in his class, he fit in quite nicely at his school where most graduates went on to Yale University. With his native quickness and low center of gravity making him almost impossible to tackle, he led his football team to the State Championship his senior year. Not only a superior athlete, he was also valedictorian and was chosen "Most likely to succeed" by his class.
Back then, he went by the name, Gilbert Prescott Smith. It was not until he fell in love with a voluptuous, Sumatran red-assed orangutan, that he changed his name to Gilbert Mohammed in order to be accepted by her faith and family.
Anyway, regardless of his nomenclature, the reunion committee was atwitter and aclucking in anticipation of Gilbert's arrival. Just like the rest of his class, his name card and picture was waiting to be pinned on his hairy chest.
But alas, the last the committee had heard of him was that he was being flown to Gitmo by the CIA for water-board training. They wish Gilbert well and hope that he will be available for their reunion in 2021.