Washington, DC - The Federal Department of Education issued a press release announcing a joint venture with the National Education Association. Dubbed the "Lady Gaga Initiative", officials expressed optimism that their new plan will reverse the distressing trend of falling test scores among our children.
"An extensive and modestly expensive (651 billion dollar) study has concluded that our children no longer respect their elders. The only adults they believe in are their entertainment and sports stars. Therefore, logic dictates that to engage students in their curriculum, it is necessary to base their studies on pop culture icons and their philosophies" the press release explains. "Owing to her genius, as well as how her teachings fit in with the most modern pedagogy, the cornerstone of the program will be Lady Gaga."
Although the news went largely unnoticed, as most people have completely lost interest in any debate over education, a few people expressed dismay. Art Chalkdust, a retired teacher who runs a non profit corporation providing vocational training for illiterate, unemployable high school graduates, was vehement in his criticism.
"Have you seen this? Have you actually read this proposal!" He shouted when we reached him by telephone. "It's deplorable! It has got to be stopped!" We asked for specifics, and he was more than happy to accommodate.
"OK. Start right here on page one. This proposal reads 'Some children just don't like to study or do what their teacher asks them to do. They shouldn't be punished for that, they are just Born This Way'.
This plan will completely do away with standardized math testing! It says 'students should not be limited by mathematical constraints. If they feel their answer is correct, that should be respected. If they are asked to rate something on a scale of 1-10, they should be free to think outside the box, like Lady Gaga did, when her response to the question of how gay she was on a scale from one to ten was *On a gay scale from 1 to 10, I'm a Judy Garland fucking 42*. For Gods sake! They intend to do away with Hamlet and Tom Sawyer, and replace them with Poker Face and Bad Romance!"
Others were enthusiastic about the plan. Principal Jalan Rotts of Copper Pit High School, stressed the practical nature of the new curriculum. "Not only will this revolutionize the core subjects of Math and English" he exalted "and do away with the need for any child to ever be labeled a failure by some short-sighted teacher, just because they can't remember multiplication tables or something, this will also dramatically enhance our electives as well! Like in Health class, we will use Gaga's wisdom. Like what she said about her line of cosmetics; 'I don't want Viva Glam to be just a lipstick you buy to help a cause. I want it to be a reminder when you go out at night to put a condom in your purse right next to your lipstick.' For PE we can have kids go-go dancing to Black Sabbath music, just like Gaga! This is going to be great! We'll be able to give credit even for kids that drop out! They can self study at home like she did! Like she said 'Once you learn how to think about art, you can teach yourself'"
Other facets of the plan include eliminating the numbers five and eight, replacing them with the single digit/term "OchoCinco" in honor of the football star of that name, and limiting the study of economics to a review of the career of hip hop superstar "50 Cent."
