Just weeks before the FIFA convenes to vote for a new president, alleged charges of bribery have emerged over the awarding of the 2018 & 2022 world cup locations.
The startling (ha!) charges alleging bribes were offered consisting of $40,000 cash grants for 'humanitarian projects' to member committees, was the sole reason, it can now be revealed, for President Obama's state visit this week to the UK according to insiders involved in the murky machinations of the FIFA.
Much to the chagrin of England, and to the everlasting embarrassment of Chicago, Russia was awarded the 2018 cup venue, followed by Qatar in 2022, decisions which raised a furor in England which was banking on the cup to raise morale and pump enough money into the government to afford a few planes for it's new aircraft carriers.
Chicago had famously lost it's bid for the Olympics despite a tearful plea by Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, outgoing Mayor Richard Daley, and Mayor in Waiting and former ballet dancer with the Olympic ego, Rahm Emanuel, and was 'banking on' regaining face with the World Cup.
While Cameron and Obama have pledged to continue the 'strong bond' between the two countries, this new found 'brotherhood' is said to be based in a shared commitment to reopen the World Cup bidding process, as well as to take charge of the FIFA committee by putting 'our own man' in charge and put an end to 'perceived corruption and underhanded dealings involving dirty money!"
Reports are coming out that after a long negotiation extending long into the night, and involving $1,000 Champagne toasts, the two leaders extolled the virtues of Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan before announcing that they had settled on Former Chicago Mayor Richard Daley as their pick to head up the "new and transparent FIFA!"
Daley recently stepped down after 22 years as Mayor of Chicago, where his Father also served as an iron fisted mayor for 21 years giving control of the city to the Daley family 43 of the last 56 years!
In addition to his $184,000 a year retirement package, Daley has demanded two 'politically incorrect' vehicles be made available for he and his wife, in addition to five (5) police officers to provide 24 hour security.
Questioned on the demands, Daley responded with a straight face, " I was responsible for cleaning up the city, stamping out corruption, controlling labor unions, and getting Barry Obama elected; there's a lot of people that don't like me! F****em if they can't take a joke, BASTARDS!"
Behind the scenes it is said that Dave Cameron has appointed Max Clifford as chair of the committee to discuss raising funds to refurbish Old Trafford in time for 2018, while Obama has anointed former Fannie Mae exec Franklin Reines, another Harvard Alum and recipient of over $30M in the mortgage company's 'bonus program' to outline a scheme to take by eminent domain several of presidential advisor Valerie Jarrett's slum apartments
in order to design and build a 'suitable soccer (sic) stadium" tentatively named
"Barack Obama & United Auto Workers Park."
The committee is said to now be wrestling with the thorny problem of 'adequate compensation' for Ms. Jarrett.
Under the agreement , titled "The Manchester Accord," Obama will return to the US with the bust of Churchill previously sent back to Britain in a plain cardboard box with 'postage due', and in exchange Cameron is said to have committed to erecting a bronze bust of Obama wearing short pants and knee socks in Trafalgar square as soon as they can come up with security to keep the pigeons and Cambridge students from defacing it.
Erin Andrews will have more on this story. News at 11.
