HOLLYWOOD (AP) Jessica Simpson recently came out of hiding with some terrible news to share with her many fans. Through her publicity agent, Miss Simpson revealed that she had been using a special face cream since she attended J. J. Pearce High School. A local druggist in Richardson, Texas noticed the homely girl walking past the front of his store every day, and thought that she could greatly benefit from a face cream that he had compounded. Young Jessica thought that she had little to lose.
"At that time, I was the laughing stock of the entire high school. Everybody shunned me. I couldn't get a date. Boys made grunting sounds whenever I walked down the hall. My life was miserable. Then Mr. Boyle from the drug store suggested that I try some of his special Old Hickory face cream.
Mr. Boyle
"The results were simply amazing! Overnight I was transformed into a beautiful young woman. All the boys suddenly were hot for me. Even my boobs grew large, my voice changed and I was able to sing. In short order I had changed into a teenage sensation and became a pop star…. all because of Mr. Boyle's miraculous Old Hickory face cream!"
"I went on with my very successful career and always kept a few dozen jars of that face cream in my makeup case. I was having such a good time with my life that I hardly noticed that my supply of Old Hickory was getting low. Then one day I realized that I was on my last jar! I immediately booked a flight back to Richardson, Texas and made a bee line for that drug store!"
the drug store as Jessica remembers it...
"Well, you can imagine what went through my mind when I could not find that drug store. It turns out that they tore down the old drug store and the whole block it was on and replaced it all with a big Wal-Mart super store. I asked around town and found out that poor Mr. Boyle passed away in his sleep the day that the Wal-Mart opened."
"I could no longer find a source for my special Old Hickory face cream. Within a few weeks, my face went back to looking just the way it did back in high school. I just don't know how all my fans are going to react when they see me come on stage now. I'm just terrified!"
Music industry sources report that sales of Jessica Simpson CDs have dropped completely off the charts.
