Everyone Loves Cleavage at Emmys

Funny story written by wadenelson

Tuesday, 20 September 2005


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Hollywood -- The amount of cleavage visible at the 2005 Emmy Awards puts Hooters to shame, according to "Man in the Street" Al Bundy, connisseur of "Big Uns." Whether it was the strapless Desparate Housewives, or Everyone Loves Raymond (Not!) star Doris Roberts with her mountainous mounds of motherly love, for men, at least, it grewharder and harder to focus on much else.

Consider: "What if men did this?" What if Ray Romano showed up in a Speedo two sizes too small. What if Brad Garrett wore only an athletic supporter, with a pair of gigantic walnuts pushing out around the sides. What if "push up" underwear made sure "bulges" were clearly visible, and men wore pants with sheer crotches so no one could miss silicone enhanced, ahem, manhood. What if downing Cialis or Viagra to make sure everything was as enlarged as possible before an awards ceremony started leading to fatal strokes, and coronaries.

When dresses are all strapless, and bra's (if worn at all) are push-ups, a major problem becomes fallout. Fall-out, like nuclear weapons, is an unintended consequence. Celebrity photographers kept their power-winders grinding away as celebrities walked the red carpet, hoping for a brief over-exposure. Or is fallout intentional? How besides fall-out can an actress wearing a "regularr" dress compete with see-through fabrics and poke-through materials, which are clearly "allowed." Which all begs the question, "Why not go completely topless?" Is the tiniest brown button of "forbidden fruit" a key aspect to keeping men's attention, and the focus of the papparazii's telephoto lenses?

Fashion designers have spent years considering how they can show more cleavage using the same amount of material in different ways. One dress appeared to be little more than a diaper combined with a pair of drapes. Every year the slit gets cut lower, and lower, and lower....Peeking through a woman's window is illegal, but look at what celebrities wear to an awards ceremony! There ought to be a law!

Ladies wear at the Emmy's comes down to showing as much mammalian real estate as possible without the lowly doorbell button actually being exposed. This, cause or effect, has made breast augmentation one of the most lucrative surgery practices in Hollywood. No matter how thin or small the girl, they've all got steerable headlights bigger than a '56 DeSoto.

So which is it. Do viewers watch the Emmy's to capture a glimpse of cleavage, praying for a Janet Jackson "wardrobe failure," are the women all competing with each OTHER over who can show the most except for a certain pink or brown protrusion, or are male viewers, including Spoof reporters, all a bunch of perverts who love looking at cleavage for reasons we will never quite understand.

Psychologist Alfred Kinsey put it this way; "Breasts are like toy trains. They're designed for kids but it's usually dad who ends up playing with 'em."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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