Written by P.M. Wortham

Thursday, 17 March 2011

image for Chicago River Mistakenly Dyed Fluorescent Green for St. Patrick's Day
A poor young lad rescued from the Chicago River after the dye incident was first reported.

In a tough economy where the job frequently goes to the lowest bidder, Chicago City officials were caught by surprise when their traditional St. Patrick's celebration took a turn for the terse as the river was seen literally glowing neon green in the early hours of the morning.

Causing panic among motorists and pedestrians during the morning commute, the glow was evident on buildings buffeting the river while the discharge into Lake Michigan could be seen from the air. "It was like God had just left a Rave party, broke open his glow stick and dumped it into the river", said clueless but somehow employable bagel delivery boy, Mitch Kumstein. The company engaged for the river dye contract, Funderton Chemicals, was less philosophical. "I think we might have screwed up there", said Funderton's CEO, Terry Flatulenze.

The Mayor and City Council members were quick to reassure the public that there was no danger, even making the stretch to add to the explanation how it wasn't possible for water from Japan's nuclear facilities to have made it to Chicago, but that just caused further panic. By 10:00 AM local time, the downtown area had been completely evacuated, and sales of cheap green beer, a staple beverage of the Irish wanna-be, had dropped across the state.

By noon however, spurred on by the drop in green beer prices to 25 cents a pint, all was back to normal in Chicagoland. "We use a different kind of dye for the beer. Just food coloring", said one bartender at "Kilkenny But Don't Kilpatrick's Pub" in Chicago. Patrons were less confident, especially after a surprising trip to the glowing urinals, but in the end, appreciated the price drop just the same. "Erin go Braghless!" said one inebriated and stumbling oaf who appeared to be Norwegian but was dressed in green. "Pour me another". Indeed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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