Written by wadenelson

Sunday, 4 September 2005

Washington -- The death of Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist will likely force the nation's most divisive issue, Roe. v. Wade into the 6th Federal Court, in New Orleans. "The "Row versus Wade" decision is of life-or-death importance to residents of the flooded metropolis ," said a spokesperson for the court. "Wading might be faster, but if the water rises, you might wish you were rowing."

Portions of New Orleans are under as much as ten feet of water, while other areas, including the French Quarter, are now dry ground. "In a rowboat, you get to these areas, and you've got to portage. With household goods, food, water, weapons, and maybe some dogs, you might wish you'd chosen to wade instead.

Rehnquist was the only remaining member of the court who was seated when the original Roe. V. Wade decision was made. Rehnquist opposed that decision, writing: "Even today, when society's views on abortion are changing, the very existence of the debate is evidence that the `right' to an abortion is not so universally accepted as (Roe) would have us believe."

Difficult to understand? Definitely. Again, it boils down to how deep the water you need to traverse is. If it's below knee level, wading is the ticket. If you're going to try and make it out of the city, you'll need more than a rowboat anyway. Consider trading some firearms for a bass boat, or even a small ski boat. Rowing in a straight line takes some practice, as unskilled "city slickers" found out when they were selected for "Survivor Thailand." "Of course, said one legal analyst, "they didn't have the choice of wading. They were in the ocean. It's deep. Very deep.

"Getting out of the boat too soon" is another common mistake, said director Mark Burnham. People don't realize, you can't wade nearly as fast as you can row a boat, unless, of course, you're Mark Spitz.

Although Rehnquist himself died of cancer, he had recently voted down a decision that would have permitted the medical use of marijuana. "Who knows," said actor Cheech Marin, "A coupla torpoedoes might have saved his life."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Death, Washington

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