Looters: "Shoot to Kill"

Funny story written by wadenelson

Thursday, 1 September 2005

Washington: President Bush today recommended a "zero tolerance" policy towards looters. "Food, water, plasma TV's, it's all the same. If it doesn't belong to someone, that means, if they stole it, that it wasn't theirs to steal" rambled Bush. According to White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan, Louisiana National Guardsmen were issued "shoot to kill" orders this morning. Unfortunately, since all but eleven disabled Louisiana National Guardsmen are currently in Iraq, it was "business as usual" for looters: brisk. Helicopters previously helping evacuate the Superdome took on other assignments after taking gunfire from gang members who had reportedly begun selling $5 tickets to visit the bathrooms at the Superdome.

Louisiana National Guardsmen were told they must first ask looters to see a receipt for any merchandise they might be floating down the street before shooting them. Training for Guardsmen would be provided by Wal-Mart greeters. "If no receipt can be produced, they are to take ten steps backwards, and open fire." Asked if this wouldn't give most looters a chance to swim away, Bush went on to the next question. Seven looters who commandeered a USPS truck did, however, pay the penalty.

"Of course," Bush stated, you wouldn't shoot a brother. Asked to clarify if he meant a sibling or a person of color, commonly referred to as a "brother," Bush stated "You'll have to check with FEMA on that."

Looters have reportedly gone WAAY beyond using rocks to shatter plate glass, and crowbars to break into stores, and are now using forklifts to break through the security gates of higher end shops -- Needless Markup, Payless, and local liquor stores. Threats of "Looters will be shot" are laughed off, since the looters are typically better armed than the residents after cleaning out the gun department at a nearby Wal-Mart.

Regarding the flooding in New Orleans, President Bush categorically stated "... the breach of the levees that led to the submerging of much of New Orleans had not been anticipated." In contrast, USA Today provided statements from no less than three experts who stated the flooding was "an acknowledged, likely scenario." Apparently none of the reporters at White House news briefing had a copy of USA Today, or any huevos, as none called Bush's statement into question.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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