CHICAGO - Stedman Graham and Oprah Winfrey have been together for over twenty years. The public relations executive first proposed to Winfrey back in 1992, 18 years ago.
Since then he has been asked roughly 5,000 times when he and Miss O are going to tie the knot. At first his standard reply was 'whenever my sweet little Oprah tells me she is ready to walk down the aisle.'
Later he changed it to 'pretty soon.' Then he altered it to 'hell if I know' and then that was replaced with, 'well I guess whenever she loses enough weight so that she can get herself into the $29,000 wedding gown she purchased in Paris.'
Graham has also had to hear hundreds of times that he is riding on the coat tails of a woman who is reportedly worth $2.7 billion. He says that he is fed up with hearing everyone say that Winfrey bought his Rolls Royce, his yacht, his Lear jet, his thoroughbred racehorse, and his petting zoo in Joliet.
Stedman who at 59, is two years older than Oprah said that he told the talk show queen yesterday that if she did not marry him soon that he would leave her.
He said that when she heard him say that, that she exploded and started yelling that he was an ungrateful (blank) who did not appreciate the fact that she paid for everything including his friggin boxer shorts, his damn moustache wax, and his ten-a-day Snickers Candy Bar habit.
Graham replied that he was tired of reading in the newspapers about her and her BFF Gayle King running off to Yellowstone National Park and playing 'lets go camping' like Todd and Sarah Palin.
He mentioned that he was also fed up with having to tell everyone from Katie Couric to Ann Coulter that there is nothing going on between Oprah and Gayle that could be construed as being lesbianistic in nature.
Gayle jumped up from where she was sitting on Oprah's lap and angrily remarked that her and Opa, as she calls her, have been hearing those rumors for years and just cause they may have French kissed on one or six occasions does not mean that they are 'carpet cuties.'
King said "Just look at dat movie star Sandy Bullock, da white cracker bitch she be goin round kissin up on a whole passel of other white honky ho's and no one ever say a damn effen thang 'bout dat shit huh?"
Stedman stood up. He grabbed his coat and said that he was through. He said that as far as he was concerned the two of them can get married like those British dandies Elton Johnny (John) and David Furniture (Furnish).
As he walked out the door Oprah and Gayle sat there with their mouths wide open.
"He be back." Gayle said.
"I know sho nuff he will. I gots da keys to his Rolls in my underwear drawer." Oprah remarked as she gently combed Gayle's hair.