Surgeons treating U.S. Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords in the aftermath of last week's shooting are "cautiously optimistic" about her recovery despite the "devastating" nature of her wound, and they owe it all to a controversial experimental surgery they performed.
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"We call it the 'Six Million Dollar Man Doll' procedure," said surgeon and apparent media whore Dr. Michael Lemole, whose done wind-sprints from one camera crew to the next, trading news of the Congresswoman's condition for face time.
"If you remember that doll from the 1970s," said Lemore. "It had a hole in the rear upper left portion of its head, and a lens in its left eye. Since that was the approximate trajectory of the would-be assassin's bullet, we simply removed brain and tissue in that area, allowing cerebral edema without actual brain herniation."
The Congresswoman and 19 others were shot Saturday morning at a "Congress on Your Corner" public forum held outside a Safeway store in the middle of the Arizona desert-city of Tucson.
In response, Governor Jan Brewer had 14,000 Mexicans deported, saying that "all the real crime in our state is committed by illegal aliens. In fact, I bet that (shooting suspect) Loughner is secretly an illegal."
Doctors remain cautiously optimistic that Rep. Giffords should recover, although not completely.
"With destruction of brain function comes some loss of function and cognition," explained Dr. Lemore. "We expect that she will have some issues with speech, movement of her right side, and her three times table is probably gone."
"She'll also be intellectually stunted, with an IQ in the 75-90 range, which will force her to become a Republican."