Tucson Massacre Inspires Gun Bill

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

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Illegal Within A thousand Feet

Washington: Republican Peter King is seeking to introduce a bill to make it "illegal for anyone to carry a firearm within 1,000 feet of a government official".

Members of Congress likewise disturbed by the recent Tucson massacre, yesterday called an emergency meeting to discuss the issue.

Democrats found objections and argued forcibly at many levels. Senator Manny Rounds said; "What about non-government officials? They get to be in the turkey shoot along with women and children?"

Another objection came from Senator Helen Troy; "A thousand feet seems ridiculous. How about eight or nine? I mean, does length really matter?"

Senator Colt Smith from Baltimore got up to angrily declare: "So we don't have guns that can shoot bullets over a thousand feet any more? What is this country coming to? We are supposed to be leading the world in technology advancement for chrissakes. We can shoot a man to the moon but we can't shoot a rabbit at a thousand paces?"

Senator Mark Doa argued: "I think we can say that a thousand feet doesn't really hack it. No feet is better. No guns in other words. We should remove firearms completely from civilian life and concentrate on educating and civilizing our people so that they do not need them because they live in a safe environment wherein they are allowed to respect themselves and each other.

"Let us begin by weeding out the insane glorification of violence and the even more insane idolization of psychopathic killers from our culture. No more 'bang-bang-you're-dead-movies'- movies which fill the pockets of drug-fuelled Hollywood nihilists with gold and the brains of our children with horseshit.

"No more blood-and-guts Nintendo games for our little ones. No more Tarantino - crapola about 'complex' homicidal sadists who should be undergoing intensive electro-convulsive therapy in asylums let alone allowed to flaunt their mental derangement as some form of socially acceptable insanity on our cinema screens.

"No more televisual eulogies to liberalism-gone- mad called the "Sopranos". Because, if that is what we consider entertainment, we are, all of us, in dire need of psychiatric care! Then, perhaps we can have safe streets to walk in and safe schools to which we can send out kids."

Senator Doa however did not get to finish his speech as he was shouted down by the entire assembly. "Communist!", "traitor", "faggot", "pinko", "fairy", "coward", etc were some of the epithets that followed him as he was led out of the Congressional Hall by armed guards.

It is thought the bill will be ratified with amendments that will include, bazookas, tanks, swords, slingshots and low-flying aircraft and to apply only to white government officials of high rank who are between the ages of sixty and one hundred and nine.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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