A self-serving, 'I-told-you-so' report to be released just in time to brighten your Christmas morning states that 31 out of 35 cities whose drinking water was surveyed contains hexavalent chromium, a probable carcinogen that was made famous by Julia Roberts in the gritty us-versus-the-polluters legal drama "Mystic Pizza"
Hexavalent chromium, used in the production of stainless steel, textile dyes, Pillow Pets and the XBox Kinect, is recognized as a human carcinogen via inhalation.
"Blah, blah, science sh-t, blah" said some guy whose job description will make it more believable. "Sickness, Mayhem. Eveyone's kids will be dead before the Super Bowl."
"Our study found this probable carcinogen in 31 U.S. cities' tap water," says a spokesperson for 'The Environmental Working Group', the group who conducted the survey.
Here's an equation for you: The Environmental Working Group IS TO real science as The Taliban IS TO Women's rights.
"The Environmental Working Group? What the hell is that," asked Lisa P. Jackson, the head of the U..S. Environmental Protection Agency, the same idiots that banned DDT, even though it eradicated malaria and typhus in much of the country. "How do we know that they conducted this 'survey' with proven scientific methods?"
"Nobody asked me a f--king thing," said New York City's tap water, which is so polluted that it actually became a sentient being in 1998, the year it ran for the office of Bronx Borough President, when it was narrowly defeated by a bagel with cream cheese. "I'm full of human feces,shredded boxes of former Governor Spitzer's financial records, and the blood of thousands of dead immigrants, but no chromium."
"The levels of chromium in the affected water is as high as 0.06 parts per billion," said a spokesperson for the Environmental Working Group, also known as Tapwater-PETA. "That is a molecule of chromium per 6 gallons of water. The children, the children. Will someone think of the children?"
Hexavalent chromium was a commonly used industrial chemical until the early 1990s. It is still used in some industries, such as the Hexavalent chromium manufacturing industry, which should be obvious.
The highest levels were found in Norman, Okla., where the water contained more chromium than actual water. It was silver, slippery, and was dense enough to repel gunfire. Of course, since it is in Norman, Oklahoma, no one really gives a sh-t.
"This chemical has been so widely used by so many industries across the U.S. that this doesn't surprise me," said the Palo Alto, CA Burger King's head cashier Erin Brockovich, whose fight on behalf of the residents of Hinkley, Calif., against Pacific Gas & Electric became a seldom-remembered footnote in American jurisprudence. "I am available to talk about this on any news show that wants to talk to me about it. So, the Today Show, I'm available. I'll even slum it and go on Good Morning America. Even <gag> The CBS Early Morning Show with Harry Smith. God, watching that must be like root canal."
Max Costa, who chairs the department of environmental medicine at New York University's School of Medicine and is an expert in hexavalent chromium, called the new findings "disturbing."
"It is profoundly disturbing that anyone is getting excited about this," he said. "Worry about your house, your job, your f--king kids. This is a non-issue."
