The Greatest Snake Oil Cure Ever Offered - Political Soup!

Funny story written by rfreed

Thursday, 18 November 2010

image for The Greatest Snake Oil Cure Ever Offered - Political Soup!
A pretty fishy soup!

A new culinary phenomena has been appearing in the Health section of American newspapers all across the country. Political soups are the latest health craze to hit the colonies since medical marijuana. Claims are now being made by many pundits that their particular variety of political soup recipe is sure to find a cure for whatever ails you!

To concoct your own cure, first assemble the following ingredients you will need should you not have them already in your kitchen:

A half pound of Republicans (preferably not too old and moldy)

A half pound of Democrats (try to avoid the flaky variety)

A tablespoon of Libertarians

A teaspoon of Greens

A dash of Communists (Socialists can be substituted- to the American palate they are the same)

A dose of various Independents for good measure.

A dash of Anarchists for seasoning (Beware! Too much might upset the whole batch!)

The Republican formula comes on strong and is rich, although usually blandly flavored as it is made up of mostly white flour. Despite this, it can come on strong and be a shock to the system. Its high roughage content can be quite upsetting, but will really clean out the digestive track, especially purging of any remnants of other parties remaining in the guts.

One must beware of making the Republican ingredients the majority intake in ones diet as they will take over and force out all other components. That might result in a cathartic shock to the system.

Usually stronger than Democratic concoctions, too much Republican spicing can cause a pre-mortem rigor mortis to set in due to its wanting to keep the system mired in old dogmatic ways. Republican soup is nutritious, but tends to give that energy only to the organs that it wants to. Will rob vitality from poorer, weaker and more ignorant parts of the system to nourish themselves only or favored 'friends'.

The Democrat version of the soup is much like the time honored chicken soup- they say it is a panacea for all that ails you. Unfortunately when Democrats are the majority ingredient in the pot, they still don't seem to have much effect. The concoction usually ends up consisting of wet noodles that don't have much nutrition.

The broth, made from multicultural spicing, is certainly more flavorful than the bland Republican recipe, but often seems to lose its cohesion and fall apart when non-Democratic additions are made. Upon consumption, it is tasty, but the consumer is hungry again an hour later.

The concoction goes down smooth, but doesn't really seem to make much difference on the system. Sometimes it can be so saccharine as to cause diabetes. Too many Democrats in the system inspire slothfulness and a dependence similar to drug addiction amongst its supporters.

Libertarian spices are rare, but potent. Usually only found and used in small doses. Creates strong concoctions when used, but are viewed with mistrust by both left and right users out of fear it will be unbalancing to the system. Also composed mostly of white flour, it can however liven up anything it is added to.

Tea party soups are a new phenomena and seem to come in many flavors and potentcies. Their effects are as yet not determined by the FDA, but already appear to have strong effects on the health of the system. Science has yet to determine whether they are a healthy ingredient or a form of virulent cancer.

Socialist soups, very often mislabeled as Democratic soups by right wing smart asses, are especially popular amongst the young, poor and college consumers. Historically shown to clog up and slow down the system, they are none the less stabilizing and not as constipating as their communist counterparts. Tend to be bland and not very peppy. Every system tends to need a bit of it for balance and to make sure all parts of the system at least get some nutrition.

Green party soups are know to be the most nutritious and healthy of all, but most cannot survive off them alone. Does not seem to provide the stamina to support the whole system and long term effects of it are not yet known. The healthiness of it is over looked by all other recipes and tends to be underrated and, in America, usually is poured down the disposal. Dismissed by many as 'rabbit food' and of no account, greens are actually a vital component of any healthy system. Those who insist on surviving on a hamburger and french fry diet have no respect for it.

Anarchist soups are known to be poisonous to all systems and yet cannot survive outside of one. Have been known to tear apart an organism without ever giving it any support. However a small dash on occasion to any recipe seems to invigorate whatever soup it is put in.

An analysis of the health claims put out by the various parties by an independent study group recommend that consumers read the healing claims closely and use ones own judgment when taking any of their recommendations. There is also mounting pressure by major pharmaceutical companies to sneak in their patented drugs into some of the recipes. User discretion is advised. Individuals might well be better off using their own cures and their own wits.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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