Source: Supreme Court nominee John Roberts could be Ken doll

Funny story written by Jack Loftus

Thursday, 21 July 2005


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More Ken-related allegations surfaced today from this source, not yet named.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Rumors flew today around the Beltway as the national media's fascination with anonymous sources resulted in a new leak, this time regarding Supreme Court nominee Judge John Roberts.

The anonymous source, who first contacted the Associated Press late Wednesday night, reportedly told reporters that the debonair nominee could in fact be a Ken doll.

The anonymous tip found legs when the blogosphere acquired an image of Roberts on the White House web site and then placed it next to an image of the popular doll, who's only documented failings to date are plastic hair and an underwear outline grafted to its skin.

This type of reporting, which is called "cutting and pasting" and was perfected by Matt Drudge, quickly allowed the story to catch the national spotlight.

Bloggers attributed the rumor's staying power to the fact that both the Ken doll and Roberts share a striking similarity in both physical stature and the responses they evoked when shown to various focus groups.

"Mr. Roberts hair is always impeccable, with nigh a single hair out place," said political pundit Bob Backwoods. "And judging by his posture - by that I mean his stiff arms and legs - I can easily say with confidence that Mr. Roberts has no joints to speak of. He is a Ken doll."

The results of several focus groups from the right and the left perspective, assembled by media outfits like CNN, MSNBC and FOXNews, also fueled the rumor mill on Roberts' alleged connection to Ken dolls.

"Groups from the right embraced Roberts and stated that they would welcome a man like him into their Malibu mansions anytime, while group from the left reviled him for his wooden personality," said pollster Marge N. O'Erer. "Many of dissenters also reported feeling a strong desire to pop off Roberts head if they were given the chance."

Backwoods continued his Ken comparisons by saying that while he could only see the skin that was not covered by Roberts' crisp suit during the announcement, he could surmise through the man's complexion alone that he was completely hairless, just like Ken.

"And did anyone see that man blink? I think not, and he certainly wasn't fooling anyone with those rigid rubbery hands of his either."

But other political experts, like political sex columnist Hung Heindenhoffen, said they doubted the rumors would last beyond the end of the week due to certain biological evidence that was on display at the formal announcement Tuesday night.

"The judge has two children, so he cannot possibly be a Ken doll. Ken, as it is widely known, has no method of reproduction on his person and is incapable of creating offspring," Heindenhoffen said, although he conceded that his daughter had indeed purchased two mysterious "Jack and Josephine" dolls at a local Toys R Us the other day. Jack and Josephine are the children of Roberts, although no person actually saw their conception take place, he said.

When contacted for comment, Mattel, the manufacturer of the popular Barbie and Ken doll line, stonewalled the press with a flurry of "no comments" on the matter, but could not hide the fact that its stock had soared in the wake of the revelations. Another two versions of the Ken doll, "Roe and Wade," were also rumored to be in production, but again Mattel declined comment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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