Bush To Fill Court Vacancy

Funny story written by Neil Levine

Sunday, 3 July 2005

image for Bush To Fill Court Vacancy
The Official Seal Of Approval

Washington, DC--In a determined and even handed effort to fill unconscionably and unjustifiably vacant federal court positions, George Dubya Bush has nominated W. K. Solomon to the local district court. The Democrat minority immediately pounced on this as an example of Republican high handed legal tactics and raised vociferous objections, "His demeanor is too regal." "He's got the wrong airs and attitudes." "He lacks the common peasant touch." "Too strong for our tastes." "His business acumen will not elevate the national level of poverty to a reasonable level of sustainability."

In response, Bush praised his candidate as a Wise King and defended his ability to select personnel and his decision making abilities. " He will elevate the intellectual, philosophical level of the judicial debate to new heights of enlightenment." "He brings strong credentials and vast experience in dealing with tough issues on the local and national and international levels." "He is a strong leader with tender mercies when needed."

"He is an expert in, oh, so many things, including the human condition." "He can get his message across in an appropriate way." "His pithy sayings are well worth repeating."

"Kings and other royalty and even ordinary people come to him for advice. Big people like the Queen of Sheba come to hear his worthwhile words of wisdom. He is sagacious beyond all comprehension. He can talk to God and has his ear to the ground. Very few people can claim those special talents."

"His PR is sublimely above reproach."

"I want to remind you of some of King Solomon's epithets and wise thoughts are the stuff of legend," Bush remarked. He has said, "Wisdom is supreme, therefore, wise up." "Hold on to instruction. Do not let it go. Guard it well. Only then will you learn the facts of life. And the facts of life made a good video show." "The heart is the well spring of a good life, not to mention hot meals and cold drinks."

Bush went on to remind people of Solomon's offer to split a baby who was the victim of a bitter custody dispute in two. "Fast, simple justice is what I believe in."

The Democrats raised hard nosed objections about social responsibility. They said the Biblical custody case involved child cruelty because he threatened to harm the child, sexual abuse because he tormented the true mother with his decision to seek a quick end to the dispute and a lack of proper investigation because he did not send his royal investigators to investigate the rival claimant's home life or the neighbor's opinions of this bitter domestic dispute.

Ted Kennedy accused King Solomon of being a womanizer. Hillary Clinton lashed in to him for his unusual marriage practices. Chucky Schumer asked if he really believed in justice or merely the power linked to owning a high position in the world. "What do you think of pay to play?" "How are you at three card monte?" "Can you dance The Washington Hustle?"

The King was dumbfounded and did not offer any comment for the record.

As a further indication of their demands for a perfect world order, the Democrats are insisting they want judges who share more. "You have to accept what is yours is ours. That is what we are offering. We do not do things any other way."


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more