Sarah Palin Lacks Gravitas, Poodle Says

Funny story written by Brett Taylor

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

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"Sarah Palin lacks gravitas," declares Buster, a six-year-old standard poodle from Penfield, a suburb of Rochester, NY. "Hell, I'm a poodle, and I know that. My brain may only be one twentieth the size of a human's, I may not be no border collie, but I aint no moron.

"As a dog, I expect a certain level of competence and experience from a political figure. Does this person know how to throw a frisbee? Would she know how to scratch my ears just right? With Sarah Palin, you don't see that kind of gravitas. By the pure white bones of Rin Tin Tin, she is not fit to be president.

"At first, she seemed okay to me. She was killin' mooses, that's all right. They had it comin' anyway. You know how big those things are? They're huge! I'd hate to meet one of them things in my yard. They scare the willies out of me! Now, raccoons, I'm not a bit scared of them. A couple years ago I chased four of them out of the yard. Four! They waved their paws, but they didn't scare me a bit. I walked right up to them and barked. This neighborhood hasn't had a raccoon problem since, I can tell you that.

"But when she started slaughtering wolves from the air with a rifle, that did it. Today it's wolves, tomorrow it's poodles. I can just see her flyin' right over the fence. Every now and then I get startled 'cause I think I see somethin' in the sky, but so far it's just been my imagination. To tell the truth I'm not as fast as I used to be, I'm not sure if I can get away from her. If that happens I just want the kids to know I love 'em. They're all scattered about, you know. I don't hear from 'em too often. I had two with my current wife, five from a Pomeranian bitch down the street, the others I don't remember."

Statements like these are bad news for Palin's presidential aspirations. Though often ignored by the press, the support of the canine community is considered crucial for public support in an American politician's career. The most famous and contentious example is the "Beaglegate" affair of 1964, when President Lyndon B. Johnson lifted a beagle named Him by the ears, earning the instant outrage of dogs across the nation and sparking the infamous Syracuse Dog Pound Riots as well as dozens of smaller incidents across the nation. The incident is believed to be responsible for turning the public against Johnson's presidency. Just bringing up the topic of wolves, as Palin has, is considered taboo for a public figure. Many Canine-Americans refuse to acknowledge their wolfy past. Wolves, with their reckless ways and nomadic lifestyles, are considered an embarrassment to more bourgeois dogs such as French poodles, Yorkshire terriers, and spitzes.

At the other end of the political spectrum is New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, who garnered the support of many in the dog community with his heartfelt support of human-animal physical relations. This gave a boost to the sagging efforts of certain dog activists to abolish the ban on leg humping that exists in many U.S. cities.

Asked to name his favorite political figure, Buster immediately espouses support for Michell Obama. "That Bo, he is one lucky dog. Did you know she takes him to work with her? And doesn't even mind when he chews on people's feet? How do I get that job?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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