Runaway Bride Kidnapped (again), Community Apathetic

Funny story written by Jehu

Thursday, 2 June 2005

image for Runaway Bride Kidnapped (again), Community Apathetic
Big eyes, little remorse

Duluth, GA - Jennifer Wilbanks, the woman who faked her own kidnapping in April to avoid her wedding, has disappeared from her suburban Atlanta home just one day before she was scheduled to appear in court.

Atlanta police received a call early this morning from an apparently hysterical Wilbanks, claiming that she had been taken in the night and was now being held in an unknown location. A trace of the cellular phone used to make the call revealed that it came from somewhere inside Walt Disney World, in Orlando, FL. Park security have been dispatched to investigate.

Wilbanks was due to be arraigned in superior court today on charges of filing a false police report which spurred a search costing Duluth police more than $50,000 and several hundred man-hours, as well as involving the FBI. "We ain't looking for her again, not this time," said Duluth chief of police Randy Belcher. "If some of them Disney people find her hangin' out by the teacups, fine. They can drag her ass back here. But right now I got me a bear claw and a cup of coffee, and I ain't leavin' this chair."

When asked if he would feel guilty were Wilbanks in serious danger this time, Belcher scoffed and replied, "Well, let me think. Hmm… Nope."

Wilbanks' fiancé, John Mason, told the Associated Press this morning that he was simply overwhelmed, and distraught at the police's lack of action. "I just can't believe this has happened, "he said. "This is just the sort of crafty plan that real kidnappers would come up with, since they knew nobody would believe it. But I believe it. This time I'm leading the search myself. And when we get back, if she gets kidnapped again, I'll go after her again. I love Jennifer, and I'm going to marry her no matter how many times she gets kidnapped, or how much she makes me look like an ass."

When asked how he would react if this were just another hoax, Mason replied, "She wouldn't do that. Jennifer - all women I think - are basically good at heart. If they tell damaging lies and subject you to embarrassment and ridicule in front of the entire nation, it's just because they care. But even if she is making it up, I plan to come crawling back as many times as it takes."

A spokesman for the Atlanta district attorney's office told reporters they were just sitting tight for the time being, and that the D.A. was confident Wilbanks would "show up eventually".

"Hell, we got real work to do," he said.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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