Written by Bill Licks

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

image for America asks - Who is Piers Morgan?
Piers Morgan arrives at JFK airport today

After it was announced that Larry King will be replaced by Piers Morgan on CNN, millions of Americans asked the question - Who is Piers Morgan?

Well after several minutes of investigative journalism the Spoof can now reveal everything an American needs to know about the slightly overweight, middle-aged Englishman.

Morgan was born in a small town in Wiltshire, England a couple miles south of Stonehenge. His father was an organic carrot salesman and his mother was a trapeze artist who was forced to give up her act after it was discovered she had seven toes on each feet.

As a child Morgan had an exceptional gift of being able to climb trees without using his hands. He would regularly climb to the top of the horse chestnut tree in his back garden and steel the largest conkers from the grabbing paws of desperate squirrels.

He would then sell them to other children in the village in return for secret information concerning their parent's extra marital affairs.

When his father died of photosynthesis, Piers became the head of his family taking care of his 6 brothers and sisters. He started working for his local newspaper as a reporter, writing articles about the dreams his siblings had at night and the comings and goings of the men who visited his house to spend some quality time with his mother.

His unique style of writing bought him much adulation from the people of Wiltshire and eventually he was made chief editor of the paper - an occasion he celebrated by firing all the staff and relocating the paper to London.

The paper became known as the Daily Mail and Morgan recruited London's finest writers who excelled in irrational arguments and pointless scaremongering.

Around this time Morgan met Simon Cowell in his local gym where the two built up a relationship after spending hours in the sauna together.

Cowell was a quiet man but Morgan inspired him to be more confident and by the end of the week Cowell was fronting Britain's most popular TV show, Cat Idol which was pulling in more than 25 million viewers at its peak.

Cowell thanked Morgan by inviting him to be a judge on his next talent show, Britain's Got Freaks, where together they discovered Susan Boyle and some dancing ferrets.

The TV audience immediately took to Morgan and by the end of the year Morgan was awarded a BAFTA, a knighthood, and his face was immortalized on a best-selling brand of toilet paper.

There was only one thing left for Morgan to do. Go to America and make his millions.

He immediately struck gold when he was the first to report the death of Michael Jackson's chimpanzee, Bubbles - and his cable TV show, Americas Got Midgets helped re-launch the career of Gary Coleman who later became president of the USA.

At about this time 97 year old talk show host Larry King decided to retire and he insisted on his deathbed that his replacement should be Simon Cowell. But as Cowell was busy fronting another talent show, The Prozac Factor, Morgan decided he was the man for the job.

The new show Smug Arse-Licking Cunt Live with Piers Morgan starts later in the year.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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