Local man Charlie Browne has a very sensitive bottom.
Due to this disability, Charlie struggles to even wipe his backside correctly.
"We've tried every brand of toilet paper - from the extra soft variety to the sandpapery stuff you'd find in carpet factories - but Charlie just can't deal with it", said his mother.
His toilet experiences usually end up with shite on the walls, shite on the ceiling, shite on the pull-down blinds, shite on the back of the door - and most depressingly - shite on Charlie.
"I come out looking like a mummified turd", Charlie admitted.
Twice a year, the same contractors who do the stone cleaning on the towns cathedral come around to Charlie's house and sandblast his bum.
Unfortunately, both those days coincide with the days Charlie gets a bad dose of 'the shits' after eating a feast of All Bran cereal and Monkey Nuts.
"All that pain.....and even then, that shiny-bottom feeling is short-lived. By tea-time I'm covered in shite again", Charlie sighed.
Both Charlie and his mother have approached a number of specialists to find some kind of solution but, aside from an artificial arse - which is expensive and, lets be honest, bloody stupid looking - they have had no luck.
