HOGJAW, ARKANSAS (ABSNN) -- Francois Cardinal Dubois, S.J. famed RC prelate, and the banjo player from the movie "Deliverance," has been chosen Grand Marshall of the 150th Anniversary Parade through Hogjaw, Arkansa, formerly Tallapoosa, Georgia. The festival begins the Thursday night before Labor Day, and will continue till all the country girls have made enough money to pay for breast augmentation, or "one of them English boys with good teeth," said Mae West, who continues to be dead someplace out west.
President Barack Obama declined to light the obligatory Jesus on the Cross by klandlelight, due to "other pressing duties like living another day longer."
Lusty Ballliquor, the Granddame of the Hogjaw High Society Ladies and Crank Producers of Hogjaw County, will host a high fashion show and denture party at City Hall beginning at 7:30 p.m. on Thursday.
Guests are encouraged to wear circa 1860's period clothing through out the celebration, and Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation will be "temporarily" rescinded during the event. Slave bracelets will be required on all negroes, except the mayor.
The Possum Snout Sheriff, Betchur Assboy, will be inspecting ladies' stays and bodices to see that they may be torn without too much trouble. "Hate to pry, but last year, three geezers lost their teeth trying to rip Fannie's undies off her ample, ample, ample ass. So this festival, for safety's sake, all women must wear Velcro tops and no undies for easy access."
Manchester, England was chosen for Hogjaw's "Kissin Cousin City" because they accepted the honor when Dudley refused it.
"Bring them Limey boys ov'rheah and we'll teach em how a lady does it," said Ms. West, who remains dead, somewhere out west.