When Dumb Actors Say Dumb Stuff: The Elisabeth Rohm Story

Written by anthonyrosania

Monday, 16 August 2010

image for When Dumb Actors Say Dumb Stuff: The Elisabeth Rohm Story
Why is there a picture of an ear pixelated? I mean, what is... Oh... Oh, I see it... That's a... Oh, OK.

For 37 year-old German-born actress Elisabeth Röhm, her mercurial transformation from her role as Dorf on "One Life To Live", to believable turns as a police detective (Kate Lockey on "Angel") and as an A.D.A. (Serena Southerlyn in "Law & Order") is a testament to her acting ability.

But look closer...

I mean, do you really think that she knows all that police procedure, or can speak intelligently about legal theory? Or is it that she can deliver the lines?

Even giving Elisabeth the benefit of the doubt because she is hot, and also is hot, one can only divine just what's swimming around in that brain-bucket by analyzing some off-the-cuff remarks our subject made. Also, she's hot.

What comes out of the mouth that is cooked up by the brain, not a TelePrompTer.

We turn to Miss Röhm's statements regarding the death of Law and Order castmate Jerry Orbach, while attending Dragon-Con, one of those conventions where anyone who has ever appeared in a sci-fi movie or TV show can make money squeezing into an old costume and signing autographs for 33-year-old virgins.

The question was: "Do you have any interesting stories about Jerry Orbach?"

Rohm: "You know, it's hard to say a specific, kind of crazy story, because Jerry was all about golf. The first day I showed up to work, he was like 'Hey kid, I got a golf game, so I hope you're gonna get it done quick,'

The Selected Works Of Moon Unit Zappa:

Its really sad / Like my english teacher / He's like / He's like Mr. Boo-Foo / We're talking Lord God King Mr. Boo-Foo / I am so sure / He's like so gross / He like sits there and like plays with all his rings / And he like flirts with all the guys in the class / Its like totally disgusting / I'm like so sure / Its like barf me out / Gag me with a spoon!

and I was like 'Alright...'.

But that was one of the great things I learned from Jerry, is to like... number one, no matter how lucky or how special we are to do what we do, Jerry taught me it's a um... It's a job. And so, umm... I went from being like 'I'm an actress' to "I've had a great job and I love my job and I'm lucky that I got a job that I love with all my heart and I didn't wimp out and say I'm not gonna go after my dreams, but my job isn't any better than anyone else's job." That's what I learned from Jerry. I mean, Jerry was a human being first, and he loved his job and it paid him well... better than me... he was not, like... better than anyone else because he was famous or because he was an actor and he touched people's hearts, he was just a regular guy. That's why the show is good. Because, here he was, this regular guy. you believed he was this regular guy. You believed he was a cop. He was, like, just somebody you felt like if you sat down and, like, had coffee with him, he wouldn't be like 'I don't have time for this'... he wouldn't be like that, he was, like, so warm and so charming. You know what's interesting about umm... Jerry and I, and I have to say I have put this in my back pocket because, like, -- and from everybody I have ever worked with I've learned something really important is that, like, everybody has their disappointment and pain and umm... nobody's life is perfect. And umm... I suppose that's, like, a good thing so you don't feel bad about the things that are going on or aren't, like, working out and taking them too seriously, like, for instance, just like with, umm... Sam Waterston, he has his sob story about, um... why he's not Robert Redford and, like, Jerry's is why he's not Al Pacino and, like, the grass is always greener and it looks like somebody else's life worked out, like, tons better, but he'd be the first to say, like, this is what's meant for me. He worked his umm... ass off and he was in the right movies, and he did all the, like, right things, even a little bit for him, some of his dreams he didn't achieve. So it's never perfect. He was, like, really real in that way."

(Editor's Note: I'm sorry. I should have read every word, if for no other reason than to be sure it's post-worthy. But I zoned out after sentence two. Did she-- did she actually answer the question? I mean, what the f--k did she even say? If you were able to understand it, Mazel-Tov; She's giving me a f--king headache.)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more