Former Vice President Dick Cheney outlined a new strategy to find former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's WMD programs, which Cheney says "will justify the ten-year war." Ernest Quilby, a farmer from Gnosall Heath (UK), and a world-renown dowser, will be airlifted to Baghdad where he will begin applying his skills. "Quilby represents the cutting edge of an approach devised by Junior Bush and me," Cheney said. "It might seem low-tech, but in Britain dowsers locate everything from lost wedding rings to ancient Roman walls."
A call to Quilby found him in the midst of his latest project, finding additional remains of Piltdown man, an alleged primitive hominid found in Sussex, England, in 1912. When told that this discovery proved to be a hoax, Quilby responded, "Oh no, not a hoax at all, lad. In that same quarry where Pilty was found, some local folk found the missing link between turtles and chickens, a queer thing with a feathered shell and thin legs, but in all other respects, a turtle."
When asked if he'd talked with Cheney, Quilby responded, "Dicky's quite a young lad. I believe he's going places. A get-up-and-goer, as we say around here." Asked if he was confident of finding WMD, Quilby said, "My dowsing rod rarely lets me down. After 55 years of dowsing, its accuracy is better than 97%. The secret is simply to follow it around like an old dog. The younger dowsers try too hard."
Quilby seemed unfazed by his new "project," as he calls it. "No raggie-head A-rab is clever enough to fool old Quilby. If it's buried, I'll find it, unless it's deeper than nine feet. That's me limit, but if there's a pint of bitters hidden in the sand, then there's no limit," he chuckled.