Liberty Tax's John Hewitt, H&R Block to Create Traveling Wilburys-esque Tax Supergroup.

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

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image for Liberty Tax's John Hewitt, H&R Block to Create Traveling Wilburys-esque Tax Supergroup.
He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So -me watching- he takes the knife to her. "Why so serious?"

Liberty Tax founder John Hewitt has stated publicly that he wishes to merge Liberty with sinking-ship industry leader H&R Block. All he needs to do is find someone who wishes to pay for it.

"Yeah, I'm not gonna use my own money. F- - k that," said Hewitt, who started his career as a tax professional with H&R Block in 1969. "What am I going to do, leverage Liberty Tax? The shares sell for less than a box of Tic Tacs."

In 1980, as a Regional Director for Block, Hewitt went to the Block powers-that-be, suggesting the development of "decision-free" tax-preparation software, which he thought would revolutionize the way tax returns are prepared, reducing tax pro error and increasing efficiency and profitability.

"Computers are the Devil," Block responded, allegedly. "We are the world's largest tax preparation firm, we know everything. There is no way that some fancy- schmancy computin' machine will ever replace a tax professional. One man at a desk, with a cigarette, an adding machine, and a fist-high stack of paper IRS forms. That's the only profitable way to handle retail tax preparation. Tax preparation software? Haruuumph. Next you'll tell us that women should become Tax Professionals! <laughs menacingly.>"

John Hewitt, who was ostracized by H&R Block leadership for years, sought today to speak with Tom Bloch, the son of H&R Block founder Henry Bloch, who on Friday gave up his seat on Block's Board of Directors via a scathing letter criticizing the company.

"For the first 15 minutes of our conversation, Tom was towing his father's company line. I explained to him that he can't talk like one of them anymore. He's not, even if he'd like to be. To them, he's a freak --like me." said Hewitt.

"I told Tom, 'they need you right now,' " Hewitt said. " 'But when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it's a bad joke, dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the company allows them to be.' "

Hewitt continued, "I'll show you. When the chips are down, these civilized people, they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve."

Liberty Tax stock closed today at $1.03. Wintergreen Tic Tacs closed at $1.19, plus tax.


In earlier versions of this story I reported that John Hewitt was Father John Hewitt, the Roman Catholic priest who was martyred on October 6, 1588, and beatified in 1929. Liberty Tax's Hewitt has not been dead for 422 years. He only appears that way. I regret my error.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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