McDonald's turns 50

Funny story written by Andy Lam

Friday, 15 April 2005


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50 years and still going strong

New York - In 1955, McDonald's was just a gleam in founder Ray Kroc's eye. Fifty years later, it is the one of the biggest global brands and is fast becoming a central part of diets around the world.

Despite the many PR blunders and black eyes the company has faced in recent years, the burger behemoth is still standing - but it is not standing still. The company's trademark golden arches appear above over 30,000 restaurants in more than 120 countries around the world. To stay current with the times, McDonald's continues to innovate and introduce new products and services.

Some of the many new offerings include adult Happy Meals, which feature McDonald's themed pornographic materials; low-cost dial-up Internet access, and the exciting new Flesh Filterâ„¢, which scans food at multiple points during the production process to assure that no unwanted human flesh reaches the customer.

Ralph Alvarez, president of McDonald's North America, explained that innovation was the "special sauce" that has kept McDonald's food fresh and fun for the past 50 years. "I can tell you that Ray would be excited by what we are doing today - especially by the adult happy meals. Honestly, I find the images these portray to be quite arousing - if you know what I mean."

The success of the adult Happy Meal has led the company to consider new ways to use sex to extend the brand. Outside Boston, Mass., the company has opened its first adults-only store. Staffed by a bevy of topless honeys, the restaurant gets a big thumbs-up from its mostly male clientele.

"It is so frickin' awesome," said Brian Alberti, a 27 year old lobsterman - who eats at the store three to five times a week. "What could be better then eating a Big Mac and staring at naked ladies - it's a match made in heaven as far as I can see."

The restaurant's staff has mixed feelings about the concept. Mary Vitranno, a 43-year-old cook complained about the working conditions. "Like, the condiments spray, smear and splatter. When they do, it makes me look all sweaty and sloppy. But the fellahs sure seem to like it."

Analysts applaud this type of clever thinking on the part of senior management. Carl Sibiliski, an analyst for Morningstar couldn't say enough about the company's attempts to stay current. "It would be so easy for McDonald's to rest on its laurels," explained Sibiliski. "To say hot after 50 years takes some doing, and McDonald's is showing it is getting it done."

Frequent-diner Alberti is glad that they are showing more than that. "You go girl," he shouted as the buxom drive-thru cashier leaned out to hand him his order. "Man, it's just like they say on TV, 'I'm lovin' it'."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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