Michael Jackson: "There's nothing wrong with molesting children!"

Funny story written by Morgan Truce

Friday, 8 April 2005


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Michael Jackson: "There's nothing wrong with molesting children!"

NEVERLAND (AP) Following up on comments Michael Jackson made about there being nothing sexual about sleeping with young boys, the King of Pop declared, "There's nothing wrong with molesting children! When I touch a young boy's genitals, I am letting him know that he is loved. He feels like he must be very special that someone like me is so interested in touching him. Young boys need to have their budding sense of sexuality addressed by someone older. That's so much better than all that experimenting they wind up doing in the bathroom."

Michael Jackson went on to say, "The American culture is so up tight about this. Everyone seems to think that a grown man should never fondle a young boy. I just don't see anything wrong with it. I wish someone had done that for me when I was young. Instead I was always being beaten and abused. All that time I just wanted to be touched."

"Just look at Macaulay Culkin. He's turned into a perfectly fine young man today. That's only because I molested him several years ago. If it weren't for me, Macaulay Culkin would be a mess today. If only I could get my hands on hundreds and hundreds of young boys, I could turn all of them into fine adult men who are fully adjusted and ready to take their place in the long line of child molesters."

"I am hoping this jury will see the light and understand that there is nothing at all wrong with molesting young boys. I've tried to explain that there are even a few very special boys who seem open to some of my advanced molesting techniques - which I would be happy to speak about some day when the American people are a bit more open to my views on sex with young boys. I pray that the jury does not decide to throw me into jail for 40 years. I just don't know if I could stand to be away from all those beautiful young boys for so long. That would be a terrible thing for me to have to deal with. Rather than go to jail, I might just hop on my personal jet and take a few boys to some island where no one will bother us."

"I want to say a word to all my fans around the world," continued Michael Jackson. "Every time you buy one of my records, I know that you are encouraging me to molest more young boys. Thank all of you for your wonderful support!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more